Time to make lemonade...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

Well I now have about 38 months worth of lemons, so I hope you're all thirsty!

I tested this morning, which was actually the 2nd time this week. I caved on Wednesday and tested for the first time that morning. Both resulted in what I believe to be the harshest negative result I've ever seen. I really believe there was more of a hint of a line before I took the test than after. If those stupid plastic pregnancy tests could talk, I imagined they would be saying "Not a chance honey. You can't get any less pregnant than you.". At which point I fed the tests to my dogs. Just kidding, that would not only be incedibly inhumane but also absolutely disgusting. I burned them instead... Also kidding.

I took the results after Wednesday's test a lot harder than this morning. I actually really knew, Tuesday night, that this would be failed attempt #3. Something just hit me, that all too familiar feeling of emptiness. To which I reacted by watching Parenthood and crying myself to sleep, only to wake up before my alarm to confirm my fears. Which then lead to taking 3 hours to get ready for work. Apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off. You get the idea. I guess I've had a couple days to process and also prepare for what I knew I would see this morning. So, although it still stings, I managed to apply my make-up only once this morning, and it's still not completely running down my face.

Our original plan was to give ourselves 3 or 4 solid attempts at IUI and go from there should they not work. I, myself, have done a tremendous amount of thinking about other options. I'm a planner. I like to know that I have a safety net, something to fall back on. Cozart believe(d)s discussing plan B prior to a failed plan A is willing plan A to do just that, fail. He also strongly believes, no matter how hard you try, you can't manipulate God's plan. If it's not "meant to be" no matter what you do, it just won't happen. Although I believe that God's plan is the right way, I believe it can be manipulated but the result usually comes with a great deal of unintended struggle. That's not to say, God's plan is void of struggle. The best analogy I can think of for this, of course, is my yoga practice. If I attempted to push myself into full hanumanasana (monkey pose or splits) the first time I stepped on my mat, I may make it into the pose but I would likely injure myself and possibly permanently (unintended struggle). If I gradually ease myself into the pose, little by little every day, it may come with some mild soreness (struggle) but eventually, with patience and practice, I will get there.

Not only am I a planner, I'm also a control freak. I can live according to God's plan, I just want to control when and how it happens. I want to step on my mat for the first time and drop down into full hanumanasana. This is not a good thing and something I have been and will continue to try to work on. And because I have been so blinded by what I want and how I want this child of ours to arrive here on earth, I have ignored what I think God has been trying to tell me for sometime.

After I tested this morning, Cozart asked what I would like to do next. He then asked if we should explore adoption. My knee jerk reaction was to blurt out things like, "so and so told me their experience was horrible.", "it's more expensive than IVF and so and so said there is no such thing as an 'adopotion loan'", "Do you realize so and so paid $27k for their baby?" and so on. Cozart reacted with frustration and I can't blame him. I have taken some time to reflect, pray and be in God's word and do a little more research. As I reflected on the adoption idea I have found myself shaking my head at the many many times I can recall God pointing me in this direction yet I chose to look away and look toward my own plan. Funny how things work...

Now this is really just the very early stages of an idea and it's still not decided that we will not move forward with another IUI treatment. Cozart and I haven't spoken anymore than my brief ranting about this but leave it to me to take the ball and run with it. My next post may be about how horrible of an idea adoption is or maybe even telling you about yet another cycle day 1 ultrasound. But for now, I will listen to my heart and what God is trying to tell me, not try to control any part of this (if I can help myself) and put it in God's hands and by doing just that hopefully some of these lemons will become sweet lemonade.

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

So much to be Thankful for...

I really can not believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is just a very short 29 days away! Yikes!!!

We spent Thanksgiving here in Florida with Cozart's family. I started my day with a gratitude filled yoga practice with some of my favorite yogis. After my yummy practice I left for the airport to pick up my Mom. This was the first weekend my Mom and I have spent just the 2 of us (sans my siblings and step-dad) since we went to NYC to pick out fabric for my wedding dress more than 6 years ago. We celebrated with copious amounts of delicious food, friends and family. Aside from Cozart almost choking to death at the beginning of dinner, the day couldn't have been better. No need to worry, Cozart is feeling just fine. He had, what felt like, a muscle spasm in his throat and wasn't able to swallow. A family Holiday wouldn't be the same without a little drama, right?

Although, I had every intention of avoiding Black Friday craziness at all costs, my darling husband and lovely mother had other plans. Cozart found a TV that he absolutely had to have. After several days of him lobbying for said TV, I exercised my right to veto this large, unnecessary purchase. We have a TV, it may not be as large and may not have all the features, but it works just fine. Better than fine. In fact the TV on sale would be too big, in my opinion. NO TV, end of story... or so I thought... I'm really not sure how it happened but sometime late afternoon it was determined Mom would contribute to the purchase price of the TV as Cozart's Christmas present. At 10pm, I would begrudgingly accompany the 2 of them to the place I least like to shop... WAL-MART... UGH!!

After battling through the ridiculous number of people, most of which were your stereotypical "people of Wal-Mart", and to my satisfaction, there were only 16 TVs available and we would be close to the 50th, 51st and 52nd in line. Unnecessary large purchase diverted until.... Mom pipes up with: "Isn't there another Wal-Mart close by?" I love my Mother but she was clearly not picking up on my disapproval of this entire escapade, especially her large contribution to us even being out at that hour amongst the crazies. So we set off for yet another crazy people infested Wal-Mart. The 2nd store was the same story: more people than TVs. With Cozart's head hanging low in disappointment and me trying to hide my Cheshire Cat-like, grin we headed home to bed, where I should have been 2 hours prior.

On Friday we picked out our Christmas tree and Mom treated us to her homemade cashew chicken and beef and pea pods. After trying her chinese, you would understand why I don't like take out from anywhere. Amaze! Saturday, Mom and I went to lunch with Cozart's Aunts, Grandmother and a friend of the family and her daughter. We did a little shopping and ended our day at home watching my High School's football team lose the state finals game (they still played well despite not winning. Go Huskies!) and we made a tree skirt for our Christmas tree. Sunday morning we went to church and then it was off to the airport to send Mom back home.

Our Christmas Tree with Tree Skirt made by me and Mom

It was a great weekend, although it went by too quickly, packed with so many things to be thankful for: One on one time with my Mom, her great cooking and sharing of her sewing skills. Fun with family and friends. Good food. Beautiful weather. My puppies and kitty who are missing Grandma terribly already. My wonderful and persistant [in his pursuit to make an unnecessary purchase] husband. And finally, I am thankful for the people of Wal-mart, for if it weren't for them I would be blinded by a television too big for my living room and a large chunk of cash missing from my bank account.

Bentley, Deuce and Winnie missing Grandma

For those wondering how the 2 week wait is going... (Let me add, that I am also thankful for a holiday and a visitor to land right in the middle of this 2 weeks. Both have made the time go by much quicker.) I am 10 days past IUI but I don't think I ovulated until the day after IUI so I'm choosing to use the ovulation date vs IUI date. Symptom wise, I feel completely normal. Not even the symptoms I would typically feel during this period of time. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing so in an effort to be positive, I am going to say this is a good thing. Emotionally, I have been extremely hopeful until this morning. I woke up with my first feeling of doubt. Maybe due to the lack of symptoms, maybe due to the pressure I have put on myself for this month to work, maybe it's just hormones. I really don't know but I feel better now as my day has progressed. I am going to try my hardest to wait until at least Friday to test. We greatly greatly greatly appreciate your continued prayers and support. I can't think of a better Christmas present than to, after 3 long years, see 2 lines on that pregnancy test.

Happy Holidays to you all!!! I encourage you all to enjoy every moment of this wonderful season!!!

Today's the day... (I hope!)

5 days on letrizole (with no side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), 3 rounds of follistim injections (also without side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), an ultrasound showing 3 follicles on each side with the dominant on the left (HALLELUJAH!!! CHECK CHECK CHECK!) and an Ovidrel injection (CHECK) brings us to today. Our 3rd IUI is scheduled for 11:30a and it's at the office right near our house (I like this office so much more!). AND... it just so happens to be one of the only days Cozart has off this week. Could this be stars aligning? I sure hope so!!!

I leave you with one of my favorite verses from the bible and the one that has given me so much comfort throughout this journey...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

October...

The common intro theme of my recent posts has been me apologizing for not being very diligent about updating my blog. Someone who apologizes repeatedly for doing the same thing over and over again is a character flaw I detest, and will therefore NOT begin this post by apologizing for not keeping my blog more up to date. The truth is, life gets busy and with the holidays fast approaching, it's only going to get busier. And with that said, I give you our October Recap...

October is a very busy month for the Lawrences and one of my favorites. (November and December are a close tie for 2nd!) On Octover 6th, we celebrated the 1st Birthday of our Little Winnie, although she didn't come into our lives until December. As crazy about our fur babies as we are, and contrary to what you may think, we don't go all out with a doggie birthday cake, party hats and invites sent to all the nearby doggie friends to join us for a party at the nearest dog park. We did however, shower her with a few more hugs, kisses and snuggles, an extra treat or 2 and an extra, special, yummy dinner. Winnie is such a sweet girl and we are so blessed to have her in our lives! Happy Birthday, Winnie Pooper!!!

On October 20th, Cozart and I celebrated our 5th Year Wedding Anniversary. I really can not believe it has been 5 years. Where does time go?? As I think back over the last 5 years, I'm reminded of all we have been through. A long year of medic school for Cozart, work and multiple change in career paths for me, testing for multiple fire departments for Cozart, pregnancy, miscarriage and 3 long years of unsuccessful baby making, me working away from home for months on end and the losses of both our grandfathers; any combination of these events would drive many couples apart. I feel so incredibly blessed to say that we are closer than we have ever been and I couldn't imagine any other person I would rather experience this life with, good or bad. Here's to hoping the next 5 years brings lots of good things and even more love and happiness!

"I got my toes in the water, a$$ in the sand; Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand. Life is good today..." The last weekend of October and kind of an extended anniversary/early birthday present, Cozart and I and his cousins Keith and Heather and Heather's boyfriend Dave went to the Zac Brown Band concert. It was so good and we had such a good time. I love love love live music so it is unbelievable to me to say this but this was the very first concert that Cozart and I have ever attended together. Crazy! We started the evening with dinner at Heather and Dave's who conveniently live about 5 minutes from the arena; and we finished the night walking through downtown (in search for a cab, immediately following the concert) observing all the crazies dressed up for Halloween. We are definitely not the party-all-night-20-somethings we once were. I think we were in bed before midnight.

Cozart is a Halloween baby but once again had to work on his birthday. Bummer! We opened presents at home the night before and had dinner with his family the evening following. I always struggle with what to do for his birthday. Cozart "acts" like the type of person that really doesn't care and wouldn't even be the slight bit disappointed if the day just passed by without any acknowledgement what-so-ever. But, I can't imagine not doing something even if it's just getting his family together but I also don't want to take it too far and throw big party and have him get annoyed because it's just not what he wants. (kind of like Bethenny Frankl did at her 40th surprise party on her reality show Bethenny Ever After. Although, I highly doubt Cozart would pull me in the bathroom at his party to throw a crying fit about how he just can't be around all these people...) Well, it's been a couple years since his surprise party so I'm sure I can sneak in another big celebration in the next couple years. (wink wink) Happy Happy Birthday Babe!!! I love you to pieces!!!

The weekend following Halloween I (Minnie Mouse) attended a Halloween party at our friends', Andy & Amy's. Cozart was once again working and I (once again) had to go solo. But it was still a good time. I was so impressed by the creativity put into everyone's costumes and our friend Angi, did a great job with all the decorations! Hard to believe Halloween has come and gone and before we know it we'll be packing up the Christmas decorations and getting ready for the Easter bunny. When did life start moving so fast?

I couldn't possibly end a post before mentioning where we are in the baby making process. So... last Thursday I was given the ok to stop taking the birth control pills. (thank goodness... they made me feel awful, my skin looked like I was just going through puberty, I seemed to have an extra layer of peach fuzz on my face, I felt nauseous and I gained about 5lbs. No thank you!) The ultrasound showed no signs of cysts and my blood work came back a-ok. I stopped the birth control and Flo promptly made her arrival 2 days later. I started the Letrozole/Femara on Tuesday which I will continue to take once a day until tomorrow and I gave myself my first injection of Follistim tonight. The next injection will be Sunday and the 3rd on Tuesday. I have my cycle day 11 ultrasound and blood work scheduled for Wednesday morning, bright and early. If the u/s indicates ovulation on the left side, we will wait for the blood work results to determine when to administer the trigger shot and 36 hours following the shot the insemination will occur. By now you should know the drill...

I hope you are all enjoying the beautiful fall weather, pumpkin spice lattes, football and NO MORE POLITICAL ADS!!! YAY!!! Until next time...