"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Is this really happening???

I would first like to begin by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH for the many many well wishes and congrats we have received over the last couple of weeks. We are completely over the moon with excitement but I still can't help but wonder, from time to time, is this really happening?? From the day that I saw those 2 lines (and yes, I confirmed with several more tests, just to be positive I wasn't seeing things), up until today, it still just doesn't seem real.

I wish I had some really great, fun way that I could share with you as to how I told Cozart. That was the plan. I mean, after 3.5 years of trying I have come up with an idea or 2. (wrap up the test and have him open it, get a Tampa Bay Buccaneers onesie or bib and give it to him, put the dogs in t-shirts that say BIG SISTER and BIG BROTHER, etc... etc...) As I mentioned in my previous post (the first)test I took was at 3 in the morning and Cozart was at the station. And no, I didn't call him at work to tell him. Believe it or not, after about 2 hours of tossing and turning, my mind racing and after turning the light on a hundred times, just to be sure there were still 2 lines; I eventually fell back to sleep. When my alarm went off, I jumped in the shower and started to think of what I could do before he got home from work. While I was in the shower the dogs started to bark, which is nothing abnormal, they bark all the time at noises, I'm convinced, they hear in their heads. I proceeded with my shower and in walks Cozart... the test was on the bathroom counter. (so much for the great idea) After saying good morning he says: "What's this? Is this real?". I said, "yes, I think so." And I can't remember what was said after that. Cozart seems to be a bit of a skeptic when it comes to these tests. The first time we got a positive his reaction was about the same, he's not letting himself get too excited until it is confirmed by a doctor. Although, he was much more (cautiously) excited this time around. Sorry if that was a bit anti-climactic but to be perfectly honest, I think there was much more shock than any other emotion for both of us. (even if Cozart said he knew it would work)

As soon as Dr. D's office opened, at 9am, I called to give them the good news and find out what I needed to do next. I spoke to one of the receptionists who transferred me to Dr. D's nurses' voicemail and received a call back within a couple of hours, asking me to come in later that afternoon for some blood work. They would be checking my P4 (progesterone) level and my HCG (pregnancy hormone). I was a little surprised they didn't act more happy for us or even say congratulations but oh well. I went in for my blood draw and was shocked to receive a call back shortly after with my results AND the big congratulations YOU'RE PREGNANT, I was hoping for when I first called. My HCG was at 66 (they want to see anything over 5) and my P4 was >80 (they want to see anything over 20) which is "AWESOME" (nurse's words not mine). We scheduled my next blood draw for not the next day but the day following. They want to be sure your HCG level is at least doubling every 48 hours. Mine was 171 with the 2nd draw, which again, I was told was great. Whew! So far so good. Now I would just have to wait another 3 weeks for my first ultrasound... Ugh!

Why is it that when someone else tells you they're pregnant, it seems they're having the baby a few weeks later but when it's you, time seems to move at a snail's pace?

The next 3 weeks were as much of a roller coaster as the journey leading up to this point has been, if not worse. One thing no one tells you after you have miscarried is that, when/if you get pregnant again you will worry about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!! In that 3 weeks time I had convinced myself that this was not going to happen for one reason or another and I didn't want to tell anyone because that would be one more person we would have to share bad news with. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat (I lost 7lbs in the first 2 weeks and not because of morning sickness), I was a complete wreck! However, in my defense, I did have a good amount of cramping and the "symptoms" I remembered having the last time, were nonexistent this time around. Both contributing to my anxiety. 

By the day of our appointment I was still very nervous but I had come to terms with the fact that, this was completely out of my hands. Whatever we would or would see on that ultrasound wouldn't be because of anything I did wrong or right or really anything I DID at all, it was all up to God. And we were quickly reminded of how amazing His work is when we saw that little flicker of a heartbeat (150bpm and measuring exactly to the date) on the screen. WOW! AMAZING! There was/is a little person growing inside of me! Crazy! We both cried and we couldn't have been more happy at that moment. After the ultrasound we met in Dr. D's office to go over a few things, get any questions we had answered and so he could "graduate us" from his clinic. It was a bitter sweet moment, he's a fantastic doctor and as much as we hate to leave him, we couldn't be happier knowing we are leaving with what we came for.

My first OB appointment with Dr. S was approximately a week and a half after our last with Dr. D. It felt so good to be sitting in Dr. S's office FINALLY with some good news! And when he said, "Do you want to take a look today?", I about hugged him! Another ultrasound, heck yeah! We again, saw the flicker of the heartbeat, as well as hearing it (170bpm this time!) and this time there were arm and leg buds! Adorable! I mean, as adorable as an amoeba looking thing can be.

Our 2nd appointment was just before my last post at 12 weeks, which included our NT scan/test. The nuchal translucency test is a test they do to check for Trisomy 15 & 18 (chromosomal abnormalities that end in a still birth or the baby dies shortly after giving birth) and Trisomy 21 which is down syndrome. This test includes an ultrasound which measures the fluid at the back of the baby's neck and a blood draw. Everything looked good on the ultrasound but, we still haven't heard the results from the blood work. (PRAYERS everything comes back ok!!!!)

That brings us to today, 14 weeks 4 days and still questioning whether this is really happening or it's all a dream? I had some morning sickness throughout the middle of the 1st trimester which is completely gone now. As of week 12, my energy is back almost completely and I'm back to sleeping well at night (except for the 2 or 3 bathroom breaks). My only complaint is headaches. I get them every couple days and sometimes they're pretty bad. They don't know what causes them and Tylenol seems to aide in tolerating them. I am still doing yoga, although, not as often as I should be or would like to be. I have tried to continue running but have slowed down quite a bit there too. I am still wearing my regular clothes and don't seem to be showing much, if any, until the end of the day.

I think there is less of a bump today than when this pic was taken.  Week 14 pic to follow...

Our next appointment is May 17th, but I'm sure I'll update you all before then. Thanks again for the congrats, well wishes and all your prayers!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013


It's been about a year since I started this blog, and oh what a year it has been! You've read about a lot of ups and more downs then I'd like to reflect back on right now. I committed to taking you along on our journey, every step of the way. I documented more information about myself than any of you probably ever cared to know. I have been an open book... that is up until about 3 months ago. (Collective GASP!) Yes, I have a little 'splainin' to do. *hanging my head in shame*

Let's rewind back to December. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that my cousin and his wife had gone through a similar journey trying to conceive their, now, beautiful daughter. They were kind enough to send us the left over medication for us to use for 2 of our treatments. I may or may not have mentioned that they were starting the process all over again trying to conceive their 2nd. I also may or may not have mentioned that they were successful on their first (unmedicated) try (Yay!!) but had already purchased all the medication in preparation for a 2nd go. My cousin's wife (not sure if she wants to remain nameless so I'll stick with "cousin's wife") and I had discussed the possibility of us using that medication but at that point (after failed IUI #3) we had, kind of, already, unofficially decided we were done with IUI. Fast forward a couple weeks to Christmas time. As you may recall, I was home (sans Cozart) in Minnesota with my family. My cousin's wife invited me over one afternoon for what I thought would be a little catching up/girl talk session. It was that, and so much more. Shortly after walking in her house, she handed me a gift bag. (I think you can probably guess where I'm going with this...) Inside said gift bag was the medications. Tears of gratitude welled up in my eyes and the thought of how I would ever thank them enough went through my head.

As I drove back to my parents' house I contemplated whether or not I should call Cozart or just bring all this stuff home? And how in the heck was I going to get it all home? Something tells me, syringes full of meds prescribed to someone other than myself aren't on the "OK to take on board" list. Now that I am thinking about it, I can't remember when or how I told Cozart but the important part is you can carry syringes filled with meds prescribed to someone other than yourself in your suitcase! In case any of you were wondering. And as far as telling Cozart, I did (obviously) at some point and he was all for trying one more treatment. Here we go again...

You may be thinking, why didn't you tell us you were doing another treatment? Well... the truth is, I was feeling all consumed with disappointment. I mean failed treatment after failed treatment is disappointing in itself but the disappointment all of you, who have taken the time to read and pray and send well wishes and condolences, on top of it all, was getting to be more than I could handle. So, Cozart and I decided this treatment would be between us and the staff at Dr. D's office and the good Lord too, of course! And now because I didn't document it all, here to you, I get a little cloudy on my dates, but here's what I do remember...

I called Dr. D's office on cycle day 1, scheduled my ultrasound only to find out I, once again, had cysts. Ugh! I was put on birth control for 2 weeks once again, and once again it worked like a charm. The cysts had dissolved. I began letrozole on cycle days 3-7 and gonal-f injections on cycles days 6, 8 and 10 with an ultrasound scheduled on cycle day 10. At the time of my ultrasound, in my opinion, things looked GREAT! 5 follicles and 2 others that were just little guys, not really even worth measuring. The nurse, on the other hand, started into a long speech about how I should be prepared for Dr. D to cancel this round because of the risk of multiples. WHAT!?!? I still can't believe I didn't drop to my knees and cry begging her to convince him otherwise, then again all I had on was a shirt and a paper thin sheet around my waist so it's probably best that I didn't! I did, however, explain to her that we had the multiple conversation with Dr. D several times, we are aware of the risk and it's one we're willing to take. She agreed and was so sweet. She said she would do whatever she could to convince him. Later that afternoon, she called back to say, not only does he want to move forward, he wants me to give myself another gonal-f injection. I returned a couple days later for a 2nd ultrasound. And for a 2nd time, I got a call saying give myself another gonal-f injection, the trigger shot should be given the following day (Monday) and they scheduled us for IUI on Wednesday.

The day of IUI was also a day Cozart was coming off shift and had to be in a training immediately following. Ugh! He called Dr. D's office and arranged to bring his "sample" in immediately after work and told work he would be a little late for training. And all the while I sat and held my breath waiting for the call from him saying something didn't work. Thankfully, that call never came. I was scheduled for insemination around lunch time, which I went to all alone. :( What a crazy story to tell your potential future child, should this work: "Daddy was not present when you were conceived". It's like some crazy riddle. The process was, once again, quick and painless but this time, before Dr. D left the room he said, "I'll be praying for you". He then went on to say he believes in life we're all given our "Job moments" but he believed ours was coming to an end. (for those of you who don't know the story of Job, you can read it here. In a nutshell, he was a man who lost everything but kept his faith in God.) And with a wink and a smile, Dr. D left the room and I fell asleep for 20 minutes. Yes, I fell asleep! The most relaxed I've ever felt after one of these treatments. I left his office feeling rested and hopeful but completely at peace with whatever the outcome. That was until...

The reality of the DREADED 2 week wait set in. I don't think I need to say much about this excruciatingly painful 14 days except, it sucks. Just like every other 2 week wait, one day I felt confident, the next I'm bawling my eyes out because I just KNOW it didn't work. 9 days into the 14, I was getting ready for work and had to sit on the bed because of horrible cramps. (Well hello there Flo! Ugh!) 11 days into the longest 2 weeks of my life, I was on my normal Sunday errand run, Target, grocery store, pedicure, etc. I stood in the vitamin aisle of Target and made the decision to put a regular multi-vitamin in my cart instead of the prenatal I had been buying for 3.5 years. I made my way past the pregnancy test aisle, there wasn't a single test in my house and I wasn't buying one until I felt like I needed to. And just like 98% of all women who shop at Target, I continued to peruse, talking myself in and out of the many many things you always end up leaving Target with that you never really need. And somehow, by the time I made it to the check out, not only did I find prenatal vitamins in my cart but also a box of pregnancy tests. I swear to you, something happens in Target. It's like they pump mind altering vapors through their AC system or something.

That evening, I went to bed, cried myself to sleep actually, because by this time (cycle day 10-11ish) I always "knew" that the treatment didn't work. I prayed to God to have some mercy on us and to please take away my doubts but as I drifted off to sleep I felt all consumed by that horrible feeling of just that... doubt. I awoke to what seemed to be menstrual cramps and I did as I always do when my sleep is interrupted by this annoying, uncomfortable feeling, I rolled over on my stomach and practiced breathing. Something just didn't seem right this time though. A little glimmer of hope came over me and probably because I was half asleep, I decided to go do as I did a million times before, only to end in disappointment, I pee'd on the stick. Still half asleep and not even sure my aim was all that good, I walked out of the bathroom to wait the 3 minutes. In that 3 minutes, I thought, at least the disappointment will be out of the way and we can move forward with researching adoption and my new found intrigue, embryo adoption. We can put the IUI journey behind us and say we gave it 110%. Well we would be putting the IUI behind us all right because.....

for the first time in 3.5 years....

I saw 2 PINK LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was 9 weeks ago today. (February 11th) What a Valentine's Day present, huh? We had our 12 week appointment today and our nugget is doing great! (I will write more about what I have experienced thus far in the pregnancy, how I told Cozart, our last appointment with Dr. D and our first 2 with Dr. S, including today's in my next post)

Baby Lawrence 12w5d
So that's it, that's where I've been and let me tell you, it has been SO hard not telling y'all! You have been with us through so much, praying for us, thinking of us, shedding tears over our heart ache and hopefully cheering for joy with this post. We could never put into words how grateful we are for each and every one of you! And I promise to write about everything (within reason) from here on out!! I hope you'll forgive me!

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." - 1 Samuel 1:27-28