Well Hello There...

I can't believe it's been 2, almost 3 months since the last time I posted anything. I will have you know, it's definitely not that I haven't tried or wanted to. When I started this blog, I mentioned I had attempted to start it many many times before and was just never happy with what I had written or just didn't think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. That was until one day when I sat down and promised myself that no matter what I had written, like it or not, it would be posted. Well I have kind of done the same thing the last 2, almost 3 months. I sit down to write, get a few paragraphs in and think "Yuck who wants to read that?". So here I am, making yet another promise to myself that no matter what I write today, it will be published. I also happen to be in the home stretch of yet another 2 week wait; not that I feel any more confident or have any more reason to think the outcome will be any different than the previous, I don't even know how many, cycles (we're not too far out from 4 years so, you do the math). It's still just as difficult. I'm still counting down the days (hours, minutes, seconds) and over analyzing every twinge, cramp, emotion, etc... (none of which have been anything notable or any different then any other failed cycle) So what better way to pass the time, then to write. Whether I like the end result or not, it's giving me something to do... other than obsessing, although I will likely find some way to do both. :)

 [And just for the record, to all those who have said they "just stopped thinking about it" or "stopped trying" and they got pregnant. I'm calling bullsh*t! You're either a liar-liar pants on fire or you think what you're saying sounds cute. Well it doesn't.]

When I left you last we had just experienced yet another failed IUI. I was devastated, yet excited and hopeful to start looking toward the future with a new plan; which we had decided would be adoption. I was eager to start researching, talking to people who had been through the adoption journey before and start the process. I started researching, I have the numbers of people to speak with about their experiences and even made a list of the agencies we would like to speak with first. But that's pretty much where I stopped. I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything more. I haven't been able to pick up the phone and speak to anyone about it. Whether it just be a friend asking about how it's going or someone who is willing to give me their experience. I just don't want to think or speak about it for some reason. Fear perhaps? And somewhere in the marital handbook I missed where it said, should you have trouble conceiving a child and need to seek alternate options it will be the wife's responsibility to determine who, what, where, when and the most daunting of all, HOW. The entire process scares the heck out of me but I think it utterly terrifies Cozart. Either that or, and I still haven't figured it out, he just wants me to focus on something other than getting pregnant in hopes I'll just relax and will actually get pregnant. I can't say I blame him, we only hear from every single person we discuss our Plan B with, that they know someone who got pregnant while going through adoption or shortly after. It's a great thought but not the reason we would move forward with that option.

As you can see the adoption plan has kind of been suspended until I (and Cozart) can face our fears and decide, without a shadow of a doubt, that that option is what we really want. You're probably wondering what we would do if we decided adoption wasn't in fact something we would be prepared to move forward with? Well... my newest interest when it comes to this whole baby thing, is embryo adoption (more on that in my next post). Another IUI round is also a possibility, maybe mini-IVF? Maybe even having the hysteroscopic surgery in attempt to open the right tube or asking about additional testing, just to confirm that my eggs aren't in fact rotten. :( I guess my point is, we haven't given up, a little leery of what may be around the next corner but definitely not giving up!!

Happy Saturday to all. I hope you're enjoying the weather if you're in the south and I hope you're not too terribly snowed in if you're up north. (although, there was something I loved about being snowed in on a Saturday when I lived up north! So if you're anything like me... ENJOY!) xo

Time to make lemonade...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

Well I now have about 38 months worth of lemons, so I hope you're all thirsty!

I tested this morning, which was actually the 2nd time this week. I caved on Wednesday and tested for the first time that morning. Both resulted in what I believe to be the harshest negative result I've ever seen. I really believe there was more of a hint of a line before I took the test than after. If those stupid plastic pregnancy tests could talk, I imagined they would be saying "Not a chance honey. You can't get any less pregnant than you.". At which point I fed the tests to my dogs. Just kidding, that would not only be incedibly inhumane but also absolutely disgusting. I burned them instead... Also kidding.

I took the results after Wednesday's test a lot harder than this morning. I actually really knew, Tuesday night, that this would be failed attempt #3. Something just hit me, that all too familiar feeling of emptiness. To which I reacted by watching Parenthood and crying myself to sleep, only to wake up before my alarm to confirm my fears. Which then lead to taking 3 hours to get ready for work. Apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off. You get the idea. I guess I've had a couple days to process and also prepare for what I knew I would see this morning. So, although it still stings, I managed to apply my make-up only once this morning, and it's still not completely running down my face.

Our original plan was to give ourselves 3 or 4 solid attempts at IUI and go from there should they not work. I, myself, have done a tremendous amount of thinking about other options. I'm a planner. I like to know that I have a safety net, something to fall back on. Cozart believe(d)s discussing plan B prior to a failed plan A is willing plan A to do just that, fail. He also strongly believes, no matter how hard you try, you can't manipulate God's plan. If it's not "meant to be" no matter what you do, it just won't happen. Although I believe that God's plan is the right way, I believe it can be manipulated but the result usually comes with a great deal of unintended struggle. That's not to say, God's plan is void of struggle. The best analogy I can think of for this, of course, is my yoga practice. If I attempted to push myself into full hanumanasana (monkey pose or splits) the first time I stepped on my mat, I may make it into the pose but I would likely injure myself and possibly permanently (unintended struggle). If I gradually ease myself into the pose, little by little every day, it may come with some mild soreness (struggle) but eventually, with patience and practice, I will get there.

Not only am I a planner, I'm also a control freak. I can live according to God's plan, I just want to control when and how it happens. I want to step on my mat for the first time and drop down into full hanumanasana. This is not a good thing and something I have been and will continue to try to work on. And because I have been so blinded by what I want and how I want this child of ours to arrive here on earth, I have ignored what I think God has been trying to tell me for sometime.

After I tested this morning, Cozart asked what I would like to do next. He then asked if we should explore adoption. My knee jerk reaction was to blurt out things like, "so and so told me their experience was horrible.", "it's more expensive than IVF and so and so said there is no such thing as an 'adopotion loan'", "Do you realize so and so paid $27k for their baby?" and so on. Cozart reacted with frustration and I can't blame him. I have taken some time to reflect, pray and be in God's word and do a little more research. As I reflected on the adoption idea I have found myself shaking my head at the many many times I can recall God pointing me in this direction yet I chose to look away and look toward my own plan. Funny how things work...

Now this is really just the very early stages of an idea and it's still not decided that we will not move forward with another IUI treatment. Cozart and I haven't spoken anymore than my brief ranting about this but leave it to me to take the ball and run with it. My next post may be about how horrible of an idea adoption is or maybe even telling you about yet another cycle day 1 ultrasound. But for now, I will listen to my heart and what God is trying to tell me, not try to control any part of this (if I can help myself) and put it in God's hands and by doing just that hopefully some of these lemons will become sweet lemonade.

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5