Time to make lemonade...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

Well I now have about 38 months worth of lemons, so I hope you're all thirsty!

I tested this morning, which was actually the 2nd time this week. I caved on Wednesday and tested for the first time that morning. Both resulted in what I believe to be the harshest negative result I've ever seen. I really believe there was more of a hint of a line before I took the test than after. If those stupid plastic pregnancy tests could talk, I imagined they would be saying "Not a chance honey. You can't get any less pregnant than you.". At which point I fed the tests to my dogs. Just kidding, that would not only be incedibly inhumane but also absolutely disgusting. I burned them instead... Also kidding.

I took the results after Wednesday's test a lot harder than this morning. I actually really knew, Tuesday night, that this would be failed attempt #3. Something just hit me, that all too familiar feeling of emptiness. To which I reacted by watching Parenthood and crying myself to sleep, only to wake up before my alarm to confirm my fears. Which then lead to taking 3 hours to get ready for work. Apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off. You get the idea. I guess I've had a couple days to process and also prepare for what I knew I would see this morning. So, although it still stings, I managed to apply my make-up only once this morning, and it's still not completely running down my face.

Our original plan was to give ourselves 3 or 4 solid attempts at IUI and go from there should they not work. I, myself, have done a tremendous amount of thinking about other options. I'm a planner. I like to know that I have a safety net, something to fall back on. Cozart believe(d)s discussing plan B prior to a failed plan A is willing plan A to do just that, fail. He also strongly believes, no matter how hard you try, you can't manipulate God's plan. If it's not "meant to be" no matter what you do, it just won't happen. Although I believe that God's plan is the right way, I believe it can be manipulated but the result usually comes with a great deal of unintended struggle. That's not to say, God's plan is void of struggle. The best analogy I can think of for this, of course, is my yoga practice. If I attempted to push myself into full hanumanasana (monkey pose or splits) the first time I stepped on my mat, I may make it into the pose but I would likely injure myself and possibly permanently (unintended struggle). If I gradually ease myself into the pose, little by little every day, it may come with some mild soreness (struggle) but eventually, with patience and practice, I will get there.

Not only am I a planner, I'm also a control freak. I can live according to God's plan, I just want to control when and how it happens. I want to step on my mat for the first time and drop down into full hanumanasana. This is not a good thing and something I have been and will continue to try to work on. And because I have been so blinded by what I want and how I want this child of ours to arrive here on earth, I have ignored what I think God has been trying to tell me for sometime.

After I tested this morning, Cozart asked what I would like to do next. He then asked if we should explore adoption. My knee jerk reaction was to blurt out things like, "so and so told me their experience was horrible.", "it's more expensive than IVF and so and so said there is no such thing as an 'adopotion loan'", "Do you realize so and so paid $27k for their baby?" and so on. Cozart reacted with frustration and I can't blame him. I have taken some time to reflect, pray and be in God's word and do a little more research. As I reflected on the adoption idea I have found myself shaking my head at the many many times I can recall God pointing me in this direction yet I chose to look away and look toward my own plan. Funny how things work...

Now this is really just the very early stages of an idea and it's still not decided that we will not move forward with another IUI treatment. Cozart and I haven't spoken anymore than my brief ranting about this but leave it to me to take the ball and run with it. My next post may be about how horrible of an idea adoption is or maybe even telling you about yet another cycle day 1 ultrasound. But for now, I will listen to my heart and what God is trying to tell me, not try to control any part of this (if I can help myself) and put it in God's hands and by doing just that hopefully some of these lemons will become sweet lemonade.

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

Lessons in humble humility and patience...

Over the past (almost) 3 years, throughout the baby making journey, the beginning of each cycle brings a flood of emotions. It is a time I am forced to reflect and apparently also causes writer's block. After 29 months of continuous visits from the unwanted and certainly uninvited Aunt Flo, you would think it would get easier. It doesn't. In fact, quite the opposite. In the beginning, all the emotion was centered around the fact that we would go one more Christmas, Easter, Birthday, Mother's/Father's Day childless. Over the last 29 hope-filled months there have been significant estimated due dates (should we actually be pregnant at the time) such as, my Mom's birthday, my Grandmother's birthday, our anniversary and the most recent, my oldest brother, Bryce's birthday. All of which have come and gone.

With each passing month I have found my emotion covers a much broader spectrum. Not only am I sad, frustrated, disappointed, angry about being 34 and not having a child; I share the same about not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, failing to stay in better contact with people in my life that I truly adore, not being a better Christian, not following my dreams, forgetting birthdays or anniversaries, not speaking my mind when I should and speaking it when I shouldn't (oops), not being the best daughter/sister/wife/friend I can be. I go from sadness, hopelessness, frustration, anger, disappointment to complete and utter failure. It sounds extreme, but I can convince myself that there is not one thing I have succeeded at in my 34 years and baby making is just one of them. I have been in this dark place for the past 6 days, the same dark place I go to at the beginning of every cycle. Slowly I break myself out of it and start to see the light but I know there is another big black cloud looming.

A dear friend, who I miss terribly, came into town yesterday from Atlanta. We celebrated her homecoming, although only a 4 day stay, with dinner, cocktails, good friends and great conversation at her Mom's house. Exactly what Debbie Downer (me) needed. While talking to another dear friend, the person I credit with inspiring me to rekindle my love affair on the mat i.e. yoga, I felt a break in the clouds. A light at the end of this dark tunnel, if you will? And a light that may stick around for more than 3 weeks at a time. Our conversation centered around yoga, as it so often does. We were discussing recent injuries we both have/had and how our practice has been effected by them. For many yoga practitioners, the most difficult thing to learn is not how to do king pigeon or feathered peacock it's to quiet the mind and check your ego at the door. I am no exception. It is very easy for me to get wrapped up in those practicing around me. To start placing judgement on myself when the person next to me is bent over backwards, with their head between their legs and I am struggling to stay in full wheel for more than a minute at a time. When you're injured you are forced to take it easy, bring yourself back to the basics, practice with caution and to practice patience. Patiently waiting the injury to heal. With that you remember where you came from, how you often take for granted or fail to notice how far you have come. How you may not be where you thought you would at this point in your practice but you're a lot further along than when you started. You're faced with humble humility. I believe it to be a necessity for growth in your practice.

It's amazing what an hour and a half of yoga practice a day can reveal about your life off the mat. I mentioned, the emotions I feel upon the arrival of a new cycle are more than just baby related, they're life as a whole related. Just like with my injury, my thoughts and emotions are reminders that I have a long way to go to get where I want to be, but also that I have come so far from where I started. They're reminders that this may be MY life but it's according to God's plan. The emotions, although dark and negative, force me to check my ego at the door. They are my injury, sending me back to practicing the basics. They're lessons in humble humility and patience. And I believe both to be necessities for growth in life and in this journey.

Namaste

"The practice of patience guards us against losing our presence of mind. It enables us to remain undisturbed, even when the situation is really difficult. It gives us a certain amount of inner peace, which allows us some self-control, so that we can choose to respond to situations in an appropriate and compassionate manner, rather than being driven by our disturbing emotions." - Dalai Lama