So....

It's been about a year since I started this blog, and oh what a year it has been! You've read about a lot of ups and more downs then I'd like to reflect back on right now. I committed to taking you along on our journey, every step of the way. I documented more information about myself than any of you probably ever cared to know. I have been an open book... that is up until about 3 months ago. (Collective GASP!) Yes, I have a little 'splainin' to do. *hanging my head in shame*

Let's rewind back to December. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that my cousin and his wife had gone through a similar journey trying to conceive their, now, beautiful daughter. They were kind enough to send us the left over medication for us to use for 2 of our treatments. I may or may not have mentioned that they were starting the process all over again trying to conceive their 2nd. I also may or may not have mentioned that they were successful on their first (unmedicated) try (Yay!!) but had already purchased all the medication in preparation for a 2nd go. My cousin's wife (not sure if she wants to remain nameless so I'll stick with "cousin's wife") and I had discussed the possibility of us using that medication but at that point (after failed IUI #3) we had, kind of, already, unofficially decided we were done with IUI. Fast forward a couple weeks to Christmas time. As you may recall, I was home (sans Cozart) in Minnesota with my family. My cousin's wife invited me over one afternoon for what I thought would be a little catching up/girl talk session. It was that, and so much more. Shortly after walking in her house, she handed me a gift bag. (I think you can probably guess where I'm going with this...) Inside said gift bag was the medications. Tears of gratitude welled up in my eyes and the thought of how I would ever thank them enough went through my head.

As I drove back to my parents' house I contemplated whether or not I should call Cozart or just bring all this stuff home? And how in the heck was I going to get it all home? Something tells me, syringes full of meds prescribed to someone other than myself aren't on the "OK to take on board" list. Now that I am thinking about it, I can't remember when or how I told Cozart but the important part is you can carry syringes filled with meds prescribed to someone other than yourself in your suitcase! In case any of you were wondering. And as far as telling Cozart, I did (obviously) at some point and he was all for trying one more treatment. Here we go again...

You may be thinking, why didn't you tell us you were doing another treatment? Well... the truth is, I was feeling all consumed with disappointment. I mean failed treatment after failed treatment is disappointing in itself but the disappointment all of you, who have taken the time to read and pray and send well wishes and condolences, on top of it all, was getting to be more than I could handle. So, Cozart and I decided this treatment would be between us and the staff at Dr. D's office and the good Lord too, of course! And now because I didn't document it all, here to you, I get a little cloudy on my dates, but here's what I do remember...

I called Dr. D's office on cycle day 1, scheduled my ultrasound only to find out I, once again, had cysts. Ugh! I was put on birth control for 2 weeks once again, and once again it worked like a charm. The cysts had dissolved. I began letrozole on cycle days 3-7 and gonal-f injections on cycles days 6, 8 and 10 with an ultrasound scheduled on cycle day 10. At the time of my ultrasound, in my opinion, things looked GREAT! 5 follicles and 2 others that were just little guys, not really even worth measuring. The nurse, on the other hand, started into a long speech about how I should be prepared for Dr. D to cancel this round because of the risk of multiples. WHAT!?!? I still can't believe I didn't drop to my knees and cry begging her to convince him otherwise, then again all I had on was a shirt and a paper thin sheet around my waist so it's probably best that I didn't! I did, however, explain to her that we had the multiple conversation with Dr. D several times, we are aware of the risk and it's one we're willing to take. She agreed and was so sweet. She said she would do whatever she could to convince him. Later that afternoon, she called back to say, not only does he want to move forward, he wants me to give myself another gonal-f injection. I returned a couple days later for a 2nd ultrasound. And for a 2nd time, I got a call saying give myself another gonal-f injection, the trigger shot should be given the following day (Monday) and they scheduled us for IUI on Wednesday.

The day of IUI was also a day Cozart was coming off shift and had to be in a training immediately following. Ugh! He called Dr. D's office and arranged to bring his "sample" in immediately after work and told work he would be a little late for training. And all the while I sat and held my breath waiting for the call from him saying something didn't work. Thankfully, that call never came. I was scheduled for insemination around lunch time, which I went to all alone. :( What a crazy story to tell your potential future child, should this work: "Daddy was not present when you were conceived". It's like some crazy riddle. The process was, once again, quick and painless but this time, before Dr. D left the room he said, "I'll be praying for you". He then went on to say he believes in life we're all given our "Job moments" but he believed ours was coming to an end. (for those of you who don't know the story of Job, you can read it here. In a nutshell, he was a man who lost everything but kept his faith in God.) And with a wink and a smile, Dr. D left the room and I fell asleep for 20 minutes. Yes, I fell asleep! The most relaxed I've ever felt after one of these treatments. I left his office feeling rested and hopeful but completely at peace with whatever the outcome. That was until...

The reality of the DREADED 2 week wait set in. I don't think I need to say much about this excruciatingly painful 14 days except, it sucks. Just like every other 2 week wait, one day I felt confident, the next I'm bawling my eyes out because I just KNOW it didn't work. 9 days into the 14, I was getting ready for work and had to sit on the bed because of horrible cramps. (Well hello there Flo! Ugh!) 11 days into the longest 2 weeks of my life, I was on my normal Sunday errand run, Target, grocery store, pedicure, etc. I stood in the vitamin aisle of Target and made the decision to put a regular multi-vitamin in my cart instead of the prenatal I had been buying for 3.5 years. I made my way past the pregnancy test aisle, there wasn't a single test in my house and I wasn't buying one until I felt like I needed to. And just like 98% of all women who shop at Target, I continued to peruse, talking myself in and out of the many many things you always end up leaving Target with that you never really need. And somehow, by the time I made it to the check out, not only did I find prenatal vitamins in my cart but also a box of pregnancy tests. I swear to you, something happens in Target. It's like they pump mind altering vapors through their AC system or something.

That evening, I went to bed, cried myself to sleep actually, because by this time (cycle day 10-11ish) I always "knew" that the treatment didn't work. I prayed to God to have some mercy on us and to please take away my doubts but as I drifted off to sleep I felt all consumed by that horrible feeling of just that... doubt. I awoke to what seemed to be menstrual cramps and I did as I always do when my sleep is interrupted by this annoying, uncomfortable feeling, I rolled over on my stomach and practiced breathing. Something just didn't seem right this time though. A little glimmer of hope came over me and probably because I was half asleep, I decided to go do as I did a million times before, only to end in disappointment, I pee'd on the stick. Still half asleep and not even sure my aim was all that good, I walked out of the bathroom to wait the 3 minutes. In that 3 minutes, I thought, at least the disappointment will be out of the way and we can move forward with researching adoption and my new found intrigue, embryo adoption. We can put the IUI journey behind us and say we gave it 110%. Well we would be putting the IUI behind us all right because.....





for the first time in 3.5 years....






I saw 2 PINK LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was 9 weeks ago today. (February 11th) What a Valentine's Day present, huh? We had our 12 week appointment today and our nugget is doing great! (I will write more about what I have experienced thus far in the pregnancy, how I told Cozart, our last appointment with Dr. D and our first 2 with Dr. S, including today's in my next post)

Baby Lawrence 12w5d

                                   
So that's it, that's where I've been and let me tell you, it has been SO hard not telling y'all! You have been with us through so much, praying for us, thinking of us, shedding tears over our heart ache and hopefully cheering for joy with this post. We could never put into words how grateful we are for each and every one of you! And I promise to write about everything (within reason) from here on out!! I hope you'll forgive me!

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." - 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Well Hello There...

I can't believe it's been 2, almost 3 months since the last time I posted anything. I will have you know, it's definitely not that I haven't tried or wanted to. When I started this blog, I mentioned I had attempted to start it many many times before and was just never happy with what I had written or just didn't think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. That was until one day when I sat down and promised myself that no matter what I had written, like it or not, it would be posted. Well I have kind of done the same thing the last 2, almost 3 months. I sit down to write, get a few paragraphs in and think "Yuck who wants to read that?". So here I am, making yet another promise to myself that no matter what I write today, it will be published. I also happen to be in the home stretch of yet another 2 week wait; not that I feel any more confident or have any more reason to think the outcome will be any different than the previous, I don't even know how many, cycles (we're not too far out from 4 years so, you do the math). It's still just as difficult. I'm still counting down the days (hours, minutes, seconds) and over analyzing every twinge, cramp, emotion, etc... (none of which have been anything notable or any different then any other failed cycle) So what better way to pass the time, then to write. Whether I like the end result or not, it's giving me something to do... other than obsessing, although I will likely find some way to do both. :)

 [And just for the record, to all those who have said they "just stopped thinking about it" or "stopped trying" and they got pregnant. I'm calling bullsh*t! You're either a liar-liar pants on fire or you think what you're saying sounds cute. Well it doesn't.]

When I left you last we had just experienced yet another failed IUI. I was devastated, yet excited and hopeful to start looking toward the future with a new plan; which we had decided would be adoption. I was eager to start researching, talking to people who had been through the adoption journey before and start the process. I started researching, I have the numbers of people to speak with about their experiences and even made a list of the agencies we would like to speak with first. But that's pretty much where I stopped. I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything more. I haven't been able to pick up the phone and speak to anyone about it. Whether it just be a friend asking about how it's going or someone who is willing to give me their experience. I just don't want to think or speak about it for some reason. Fear perhaps? And somewhere in the marital handbook I missed where it said, should you have trouble conceiving a child and need to seek alternate options it will be the wife's responsibility to determine who, what, where, when and the most daunting of all, HOW. The entire process scares the heck out of me but I think it utterly terrifies Cozart. Either that or, and I still haven't figured it out, he just wants me to focus on something other than getting pregnant in hopes I'll just relax and will actually get pregnant. I can't say I blame him, we only hear from every single person we discuss our Plan B with, that they know someone who got pregnant while going through adoption or shortly after. It's a great thought but not the reason we would move forward with that option.

As you can see the adoption plan has kind of been suspended until I (and Cozart) can face our fears and decide, without a shadow of a doubt, that that option is what we really want. You're probably wondering what we would do if we decided adoption wasn't in fact something we would be prepared to move forward with? Well... my newest interest when it comes to this whole baby thing, is embryo adoption (more on that in my next post). Another IUI round is also a possibility, maybe mini-IVF? Maybe even having the hysteroscopic surgery in attempt to open the right tube or asking about additional testing, just to confirm that my eggs aren't in fact rotten. :( I guess my point is, we haven't given up, a little leery of what may be around the next corner but definitely not giving up!!

Happy Saturday to all. I hope you're enjoying the weather if you're in the south and I hope you're not too terribly snowed in if you're up north. (although, there was something I loved about being snowed in on a Saturday when I lived up north! So if you're anything like me... ENJOY!) xo

Time to make lemonade...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

Well I now have about 38 months worth of lemons, so I hope you're all thirsty!

I tested this morning, which was actually the 2nd time this week. I caved on Wednesday and tested for the first time that morning. Both resulted in what I believe to be the harshest negative result I've ever seen. I really believe there was more of a hint of a line before I took the test than after. If those stupid plastic pregnancy tests could talk, I imagined they would be saying "Not a chance honey. You can't get any less pregnant than you.". At which point I fed the tests to my dogs. Just kidding, that would not only be incedibly inhumane but also absolutely disgusting. I burned them instead... Also kidding.

I took the results after Wednesday's test a lot harder than this morning. I actually really knew, Tuesday night, that this would be failed attempt #3. Something just hit me, that all too familiar feeling of emptiness. To which I reacted by watching Parenthood and crying myself to sleep, only to wake up before my alarm to confirm my fears. Which then lead to taking 3 hours to get ready for work. Apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off; apply make-up, cry it off. You get the idea. I guess I've had a couple days to process and also prepare for what I knew I would see this morning. So, although it still stings, I managed to apply my make-up only once this morning, and it's still not completely running down my face.

Our original plan was to give ourselves 3 or 4 solid attempts at IUI and go from there should they not work. I, myself, have done a tremendous amount of thinking about other options. I'm a planner. I like to know that I have a safety net, something to fall back on. Cozart believe(d)s discussing plan B prior to a failed plan A is willing plan A to do just that, fail. He also strongly believes, no matter how hard you try, you can't manipulate God's plan. If it's not "meant to be" no matter what you do, it just won't happen. Although I believe that God's plan is the right way, I believe it can be manipulated but the result usually comes with a great deal of unintended struggle. That's not to say, God's plan is void of struggle. The best analogy I can think of for this, of course, is my yoga practice. If I attempted to push myself into full hanumanasana (monkey pose or splits) the first time I stepped on my mat, I may make it into the pose but I would likely injure myself and possibly permanently (unintended struggle). If I gradually ease myself into the pose, little by little every day, it may come with some mild soreness (struggle) but eventually, with patience and practice, I will get there.

Not only am I a planner, I'm also a control freak. I can live according to God's plan, I just want to control when and how it happens. I want to step on my mat for the first time and drop down into full hanumanasana. This is not a good thing and something I have been and will continue to try to work on. And because I have been so blinded by what I want and how I want this child of ours to arrive here on earth, I have ignored what I think God has been trying to tell me for sometime.

After I tested this morning, Cozart asked what I would like to do next. He then asked if we should explore adoption. My knee jerk reaction was to blurt out things like, "so and so told me their experience was horrible.", "it's more expensive than IVF and so and so said there is no such thing as an 'adopotion loan'", "Do you realize so and so paid $27k for their baby?" and so on. Cozart reacted with frustration and I can't blame him. I have taken some time to reflect, pray and be in God's word and do a little more research. As I reflected on the adoption idea I have found myself shaking my head at the many many times I can recall God pointing me in this direction yet I chose to look away and look toward my own plan. Funny how things work...

Now this is really just the very early stages of an idea and it's still not decided that we will not move forward with another IUI treatment. Cozart and I haven't spoken anymore than my brief ranting about this but leave it to me to take the ball and run with it. My next post may be about how horrible of an idea adoption is or maybe even telling you about yet another cycle day 1 ultrasound. But for now, I will listen to my heart and what God is trying to tell me, not try to control any part of this (if I can help myself) and put it in God's hands and by doing just that hopefully some of these lemons will become sweet lemonade.

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

Today's the day... (I hope!)

5 days on letrizole (with no side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), 3 rounds of follistim injections (also without side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), an ultrasound showing 3 follicles on each side with the dominant on the left (HALLELUJAH!!! CHECK CHECK CHECK!) and an Ovidrel injection (CHECK) brings us to today. Our 3rd IUI is scheduled for 11:30a and it's at the office right near our house (I like this office so much more!). AND... it just so happens to be one of the only days Cozart has off this week. Could this be stars aligning? I sure hope so!!!

I leave you with one of my favorite verses from the bible and the one that has given me so much comfort throughout this journey...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

The roller coaster ride continues...

One of my favorite commercials, and Cozart's least favorite, is the Geico commercial with the little pig saying "weeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" with little pinwheels in his little hoofs (or is it hooves?). That is how I like to envision myself on a roller coaster (weeeeeee weeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeee). This roller coaster is nothing like the little pig and sounds more like Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Ugh, expletive, expletive, expletive.

When I left you last, we were so very excited about attending the IVF seminar (there's that sarcasm again) and I was patiently awaiting Flo's arrival. She was due a week ago today.

The IVF seminar was everything we thought it to be and more. By that, I mean it seemed very much like a sales pitch as anticipated but by more, it was very informative and rather interesting. I did have a minor meltdown as we waited for the meeting to get started. I think I was just overcome with frustration and, I do believe in my heart, that given the opportunity to try IVF, it would work. I just don't know that we will be given the opportunity, hopefully we won't need it. That is definitely not to say that I don't believe IUI, with a medicated cycle, will not work. Now that we have attended the seminar we have earned clearance to move forward with the medication.

Wednesday of last week came and went without even a single hint of Flo's arrival. Thursday and Friday were much of the same. I also didn't have a single symptom that would indicate, by some miracle, I was pregnant either. That didn't stop my mind from daydreaming about that miraculous possibility and it also didn't stop my fingers from browsing sites like projectnursery.com. For someone who can all but predict the hour of Flo's arrival, most months, the hours creeped by over the course of those 3 days. I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't focus and the only reason I was forcing myself to eat was for the very very very slim possibility I may need to provide nourishment to a tiny little cluster of cells inside me. By late Saturday afternoon, reality set in and Flo arrived with a bang. Her funny way of being fashionably late, I guess. I personally didn't find it too humorous.

Monday morning I called the doctor to schedule my cycle day 1 ultra sound (which was actually day 3). They were able to get me in right away and at the office most convenient for me. The ultra sound indicated Flo's tardiness may have been due to the fact that there is a good possibility I didn't ovulate. My right ovary still had 2 rather large follicles which are considered cysts after your cycle has started. Exactly what we didn't want to see before starting a medicated cycle as the medication can cause the cysts to rupture. After the ultra sound, I was sent to have blood drawn to determine whether or not the cysts are estrogen producing.

Late Monday afternoon, I received a call from Dr. D's nurse letting me know the cyst is definitely estrogen producing (Grrrrrr) and also, to give me our options. Those options are: We can either skip this month all together, which would mean having to miss a left side month (possibly) and then having to wait next month as well if it is a right side month. Unless of course, I break my every other ovary every other month pattern. Option 2 is to start birth control immediately and continue taking it for approximately 2.5 weeks to give the cysts time to dissolve. If the cysts have dissolved after 2.5 weeks, I will discontinue taking the BC, wait for Flo's arrival again and start the Femara (much like Clomid) on Cycle day 3-7 and Folistim on days 6, 8 and 10 and so on...

I think the choice is pretty obvious, we went with option 2. Why prolong this any longer if we don't have to, right? RIGHT!!! I started birth control yesterday which gives me a horrible headache. Ugh! I have an ultra sound scheduled for November 1st to determine whether or not the cysts have dissolved. (for the record, I can not wait to have an ultra sound that actually involves showing something other than ovaries and an empty uterus!!!) Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for no cysts and a left side cycle!!

In other news, Cozart had his first day on shift (no more training) yesterday and let's just say, I haven't seen anyone this happy about going to work, well, probably ever! I drove by a little pre-school on my way to work yesterday and there was a fire truck sitting out front. As I got closer I noticed it was LFD and Engine #15. "HEY! That's Cozart's truck!!" And sure enough, there he was standing outside and I'm pretty sure there were actual beams shining off of him of pure joy! He was placed on this earth to help people and for this job. Praise God for giving him this opportunity and making his dream come true!!!

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

BE. AGGRESSIVE. B-E-A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E BE. AGGRESSIVE. GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE.

In case you were wondering, yes I was a cheerleader. So very many years ago. :)

I'm, once again, falling behind on my blog updates. I'm sorry for any of you who may have been waiting on the edge of your seat for my next ever-so-riveting post. (I hope you can sense my sarcasm.) ;)

I had my follow up visit with Dr. D last Friday. This visit was initiated by myself in hopes I would better understand his conservative approach to our treatments and maybe persuade him to be a bit more aggressive. Unfortunately, Cozart wasn't able to be there. Inevitably there were things I didn't mention that he wished I would have and questions he also wished I would have asked.

Dr. D began our discussion by once again going over my test results and offered some empathy when it came to my frustrations. He made a good point in reminding me that when we look all the way back to our first visit, he seems like such a long time ago but in reality I have only gone through 2 treatments. Most people don't have to skip months like we do, the process for us just feels twice as long because we do have to skip months that I am ovulating on my right side and, well, it IS taking twice as long. He then offered the option of doing what they call a Modified Natural Cycle or Mini-IVF when I am ovulating on the right side. The abbreviated explanation to this procedure is basically IVF without all the drugs. They only retrieve one or two eggs and only transfer one. It is cheaper than a normal IVF treatment but still a pretty hefty chunk of change with only a 15% chance of take home baby. (IUI has between a 10-12% chance of take home baby and my doctor has a 52% chance of take home baby with regular IVF, just to give you a comparison.) For the amount of money you have to pay with those odds, it just doesn't really seem worth it. I told him I appreciated the suggestion but I have actually welcomed the months off. It gives my nerves and my mind a little break.

After discussing the Mini-IVF option we moved on to what we would be doing differently with our next IUI cycle. He agreed it was time to be a bit more aggressive (huge sigh of relief) and agreed Follistim (the drug my cousin's wife sent me) would be the way to go. YAY! YAY! YAY! He gave me instructions to call his office the first day of my cycle, which should be any day now, to schedule an ultrasound for that day as well as one for cycle day 11. The first ultrasound will again be to check for cysts. If it is clear I will again, take clomid on cycle days 3-7 but this time add a follistim injection on days 6, 8 and 10. If the cycle day 11 ultrasound shows I am ovulating on the left side and I don't have too many follicles, I will be given instructions to administer the Ovidrel shot and schedule insemination (and Cozart's deposit) for 36 hours following the shot. The reason we would have to forego this cycle if there are too many follicles is due to the increased chance in multiples. I did explain that twins would be a blessing in our opinion. He explained that it's not so much twins he worries about, it's triplets, quadruplets, quints, etc... This is where Cozart and I don't exactly see eye to eye. He still would consider triplets or even quadruplets a blessing, I think it would be too risky for me and the babies. Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed with having that many babies at once, I would also be terrified. Not only because of the health risks but also the obvious reasons like cost!!! Ummm... HELLO!!!!

So now we wait. Wait for Flo's arrival. It seems she always shows when you least want her to and never arrives in a timely fashion when you need her to. Who does she think she is anyway??

Oh! I almost forgot, we have to attend an IVF seminar this evening. Woo Hoo! The reason we have to attend is not because we are venturing down the very expensive road to IVF but because the injection I will be giving myself is also used for IVF patients. They have to inform you, as a patient, of the risks of the drug prior to using it. Apparently, taking 10 minutes to run through these risks in the doctor's office wouldn't be sufficient. Instead we get to sit through I nice, long, informative seminar on a procedure we will likely never be able to afford to hear about one little drug and the very slight chance it may cause hyper-ovarian stimulation or something of the sort. Can you sense my excitement?? My overly analytical and extremely skeptical mind goes places I wish it wouldn't like, perhaps Dr. D is thinking IUI will never work for us and is getting us to come to the seminar as some type of slimey sales tactic. Kind of like those multi-level marketing scams. 'We'll convince them they have to come for some ridiculous reason and bait them into thinking this is the only way they will ever have a child of their own.' [insert evil laugh] For all intent and purpose I am going to do my best to suppress those thoughts and try my best to be positive. :) Operation Baby Lawrence, full steam ahead!!

Until next time... Happy Hump Day!!!

Fabulous Fall...

It may still be almost 90° here in Central Florida, but I can smell fall in the air. My favorite time of year. Cooler weather, football, being able to open the windows, apple pie and pumpkin everything! Our dogs even get more frisky. It's clearly their most favorite time of year too.

I am a little behind on my updates and for that, I apologize. Although, there hasn't been a great deal to report. I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work on Saturday. As anticipated, this is a right ovary month, so we sit this one out. One of the other doctor's nurses did my ultrasound. She had skimmed over my chart prior to me entering the exam room and I found it quite interesting that the first question out of her mouth was 'why is it that you are only taking 1/2 a tablet of clomid? I've never heard of anyone taking that small of a dose.'. I think she could sense my frustration, because after I told her I wasn't exactly sure but I feel Dr. D is a bit more conservative with his treatment than other doctors, she said "that can be extremely frustrating from a patient perspective." (um... heck yeah it is!!) She then suggested I schedule a follow up before I left the office, which was my plan and is what I did. My follow-up appointment is set for October 5th. That should be right before my next cycle starts so I am very happy with that day and I am hopeful I will feel a restored confidence in this entire process.

Aside from the ultrasound identifying this as a right ovary month, it also indicated that, as anticipated, the clomid did nothing. I had one follicle on the right measuring 14mm and one on the left that wasn't even worth measuring. Nothing more, not even a bunch of little guys. The ever-so-understanding nurse told me she would note in my chart that we had a conversation about the clomid and the low dosage and that I am 100% on board with upping the dosage or using an alternative follicular stimulator. Yes PLEASE, and thank you!

In case you're unable to sense it through my writing, I am feeling pretty beat up and emotionally drained about this entire process. My mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't; like, what if this NEVER happens. What if I never experience what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me? What if we never have a little boy to watch play pop-warner football on Saturday mornings, or a little girl to pass my first pair of ballet slippers on to? What did I/we do to deserve this? Who will take care of us when we're old? As each month passes, I can't help but do the math: I will be 36 when the baby is born (should any of this actually work anytime in the next few months) which would make me 54 when he/she graduates high school, 58 when he/she graduates college (provided they finish in 4 years) and if they decide to wait as long as we did or have a similar experience, I could be 80 before I have grandchildren. By that time, they probably won't want kids because they'll be taking care of us! I know there is nothing I can do about any of this and I shouldn't waste my thoughts on this nonsense but if I am committed to being completely honest and open, this is it and it's not pretty. In fact, it sucks and it doesn't make any sense and it scares the heck out of me. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, 
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- 
You may succeed with another blow. 

Often the goal is nearer than,
 It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown. 

 Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 - Author unknown 

Intuition - 1. Medical Professional Results - 0.

Well hello there weekend! So glad to finally see you again. I wish I could say the same for my frequent, unwelcome visitor, who happened to grace me with her presence Thursday. Yes, I'm referring to non-other than the b*@^h herself, Flo... ugh! (excuse my language) Not only does this mean the obvious, I'm not pregnant. This also confirms the suspicions I had in regard to my actual ovulation date. Allow me to refresh your memory, according to the ridiculously expensive medical testing (although covered by insurance... one of the only things that is) and their results, I ovulated the day of IUI, Cycle Day 17 and 11 days prior to Flo's arrival. Hmmm... that's 2 days earlier than when she should have arrived and while on progesterone, which is said to keep her away. I have also never had a luteal phase that short. (luteal phase is the period of time between ovulation and Flo's arrival.) According to MY calculations/feelings (non-scientific, nor medically confirmed, although...FREE) I ovulated on or about Cycle Day 15-ish (2 days prior to IUI) which would have given Flo an estimated arrival date of... oh... right about THURSDAY! Have I mentioned the chances of getting pregnant AFTER ovulation are slim to none and 2 days post ovulation is basically impossible. Well, in case I didn't, now you know.  And have you ever had one of those moments when you think, "if ever there was a time I didn't want to be right, let it be now"?  Well, I'm having one of those moments. Darn intuition.

Seeing as there is nothing I can do about changing the outcome of this cycle, but learn from it for future cycles, there is no point in dwelling on the negative. Right? Right! In fact, as you all know, I wasn't feeling too confident about this cycle anyway, so I'm chalking up Flo's early arrival as a blessing. At least I didn't have to wait for her for 14 days past IUI plus an additional 5 after stopping the progesterone.

I called Dr. D's office, (we're talking about the fertility doc this time, not the vet. It's a good thing I don't have them both in my phone as Dr. D. That might be a little embarrassing should I call the wrong one.) yesterday to schedule my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work and to ask about doing a medicated cycle this go around. My cycle day 10 U/S and BW is scheduled for next Saturday at 8:15am and I had to leave a message for Dr. D's nurse to discuss the rest. When his nurse called back she asked that I come into the office yesterday before 1pm for another ultrasound. That wasn't happening. I was working an hour away from their office and it was already noon. She was able to schedule me at 9am this morning. I'm kind of over spending my Saturday mornings at a doctor's office. At least I was out of there before my 10:30am yoga class. This ultrasound was needed to clear me for follicle stimulating medication. If any cysts showed, I would not be allowed to take anything for fear that the meds would cause the cysts to rupture. I was all clear and left with a script for meds. Don't go getting all excited now, the dosage is a joke and the drug is one I tried before without a positive result. He is putting me on Clomid, cycle days 3-7 at 25mg. I honestly, have never heard of anyone taking such a small dose. My OB/GYN put me on the same drug for 4 cycles at 50mg and an additional 2 cycles at 100mg. It did nothing, which is why I moved on to an RE to begin with.

As you probably already guessed, I'm a bit annoyed and frustrated, but not as annoyed and frustrated as I would be if this was a left ovary cycle. I don't know, yet, that it's not but it would appear I switch sides every other month pretty consistently. Last cycle was left, so this cycle should be right. This will give me a chance to schedule a follow-up consultation with Dr. D himself to find out why he is so apprehensive about being just a little more aggressive. It should also show that I need more than 25mg of a drug that did nothing for me before, to help generate more than just one follicle every cycle.  I sound like a crazy drug addict begging the doc for MORE! I can assure you, the side effects of "more" can make PMS look like a cake walk so it's truly not something I'm looking forward to. Aside from the chances of the desired outcome being a bit better.

While on the subject of meds, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my cousin's wife for reaching out to me this week, probably when I needed her the most to prevent me from going completely insane. Unbeknownst to me, she and my cousin went through something similar to our experience not long ago. They now have a beautiful baby!!! YAY!!!! She offered to send me the left over meds she had from her last cycle (which was successful, obviously) and they arrived yesterday. Should Dr. D finally agree to me taking this medication, my cousin's wife's donation will have saved us about $500. Praise God!!! Now just as a disclaimer, people donate unused fertility drugs all the time. It's not illegal or dangerous or anything like that. We're not sharing needles or taking something without doctor's orders. A great big, huge, thank you to my cousin's wife (not sure she wants to be named so I would like to protect her anonymity). You are such a blessing, not only for the meds but also for your wealth of knowledge! You comforted me when I needed it most!

Another great big, huge thank you to every one who has sent their love and prayers. You have helped me get through some extremely tough days and I don't know how much more we could take, if it wasn't for your support! There is a lot of love in this house for each and every one of you!!! We're eternally grateful!

That's all I've got for now.

Until next Saturday, if not before...

Enjoy your weekend! And GO BUCS!!!!!! (and Vikes too, but shhhh... don't tell Cozart I said that!)
xo


Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51: 10-12

I love Saturdays...

Aaaahhhh.... There is nothing like waking up and having no place to go. I love Saturdays and even more so after a week full of working with a new, number crunching sales manager, doggie knee surgeries and... What else? Oh yeah, the first 7 days of 14, also known as the two week wait. No big deal.

Thankfully, the vet let Winnie come home yesterday. Not only were Cozart and I very happy to have her home, her brothers (Deuce and Bentley) were too. Deuce spent about 45 minutes Thursday night searching the entire house for her. Poor guy missed his baby sister. Her surgery went well. Dr. D replaced her ligaments with wires that will remain in her knee for her entire life. He did not have to deepen the groove the patella slides in. Praise God! She is getting around ok but would prefer to curl up next to you and just sleep. There is 7 staples in her knee that will have to removed in 2 weeks. I am hoping that by that time she will be putting some weight on her leg. Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers! We have a ways to go as far as recovery goes and having her go back to being a 4 legged fur baby but the scary part is behind us.

I get asked, as early as the first day past IUI, how I am feeling. Whether it works or not, I am not going to "feel" anything this early on and anything I do feel isn't related to actually being pregnant. In my many hours of perusing the internet, over the last few years I came across another blog belonging to a woman also struggling with baby making issues. Ironaically the excerpt below is something she wrote when she was 7dpiui as well. I am using her words instead of my own because, I couldn't have said it better myself. She is extremely knowledgable when it comes to fertility treatments, her body and what it is doing and she tells it like it is. I love that! If you would like to follow her blog, you can find it here.

For the first week of the 2ww, I obviously can't obsess over anything. And I'm surprised over the people who do obsess about it. What I'm more surprised is when people pay attention to the obsessing. It's one thing to keep track of your "symptoms" from 1-6dpo/dpIUI, but to publish them? 

This is why I cannot go to that crazy website twoweekwait.com. I'll admit that I love their hpt gallery and I have gone there quite often. But those are concrete things to look at. HPTs. Hard evidence. The rest of the site? For me, not one word is credible. Seriously - they devote an entire section to women listing out their "symptoms from 0-6dpo". Like I said, it's one thing to think of them yourself, it's another thing to publish them - and it's quite another thing for a website listing them out like they are possibilities. If ~I~ was the owner of the website, I wouldn't list a damn thing about 0-6dpo because, well, it's simply impossible for your body to know it if you were pregnant! 

One of my pet peeves I guess. Those women who say "oh, I knew I was pregnant at conception". Oh shut up. You did not. It is physiologically impossible for your body to "know" it's pregnant until implantation. A non-conceived egg and a conceived egg both have to float it's way through the fallopian tubes before it has a chance to implant. And a conceived egg, while maybe bigger by micrometers, isn't big enough for a tube to notice the difference. Until implantation, when your body goes "oh! there's an egg here, let's start making hCG" it's I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E. to know. 

On the same subject, has anyone ever heard of a coincidence? Just because someone says "my left nipple tingled for an hour at 3dpo" and they ended up pregnant, does not mean nipple tingling at 3dpo means jack shit. But I can't tell you the number of times I read crap like this! It's usually from a newly pregnant girl listing out her symptoms and the things "worked to get me pregnant!". No hunny, I'm sorry, but the fact you hung yourself from the ceiling during sex is not what got you pregnant. The luck of timing got you pregnant. It wasn't because you drank a glass of tea before you had sex. It wasn't because you had a bath before sex. It wasn't because you propped your hips up. It wasn't because you relaxed. Those things are not ways to get pregnant every time. If they were, everyone in the world would try those "tricks" and there would be no such thing as "unexplained infertility". If the woman had accessible eggs and the man had good sperm, every single person in the world would get pregnant by just doing what you think got you pregnant.

Again, I couldn't have said it better myself. Although, I do love hearing the stories of how people struggled and eventually their prayers were answered. It gives me that little bit of hope to get me through another day. I do also love hearing what worked for someone else, just because it may be something I have never heard of and who knows, it may also work for me.

Nancy, the blogger quoted above, goes on to state that at 7dpiui she begins to pay attention to the twinges, cramping, sore breasts and bloating a bit more. For me, I won't consider any feeling I have a true symptom until at least 10 to 12dpiui. That's typically when all progesterone symptoms seize (for me) and Flo is on her way. If the "progesterone" symptoms continue past Thursday or Friday, I may allow myself to start getting a little bit excited. Not until then though! ;)

7 days down, 7 to go before I know if my negative intuition was once again accurate or if this is our turn for a surprise blessing.

Have a great weekend!!
G xo

Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, Pessimistic Patty......

... or you can just call me Genny.

Round 2: Cozart ended up not working on Thursday so he was home to give me the Ovidrel shot. Thank goodness. Much like the first IUI, I had no side effects from the hormone. Thank goodness again. And there was no retrieving the shot from a bush outside my doctor's office. It was ready and waiting for me all cold and safe in my fridge. THANK GOODNESS! Cozart went in at 7am on Saturday to make his deposit and we both returned at 10am for the insemination. Cozart's numbers weren't quite as impressive as the last time but still very good and well above what they want to see. The insemination was performed by one of the other docs, as Dr. D was not scheduled to be in this past weekend. He seemed nice from what I could gather in the 15 minutes we spent together. His nurse, on the other hand, seemed as if there were about a million different places she would rather be. Understandable when working on a holiday weekend, I guess. The procedure was, once again, quick and painless. When the doctor was finished I was again, left to lie on the table for about 30 minutes allowing for a smooth, direct journey for the little spermies. Before leaving the office we met with Dr. D's nurse to answer any questions, discuss next steps, be sure I had my progesterone suppositories, etc... We left the office and went about our Saturday like we normally would.

We are now 3dpiui and I think the title of this post is a pretty good indication of how I am feeling. I am trying very hard to remain hopeful and positive but am failing miserably. I am a firm believer in the "whatever you believe, you will receive" mentality and from what I believe to be true right now, I anticipate Flo's arrival sometime in the next 7-10 days. I know I should be speaking positively and "by putting negativity out into the universe, I will only get negativity in return" but, I am also not going lie to you about how I am truly feeling. I'm not going to blow sunshine where it doesn't and pretend to be uber confident in this round of treatment when, quite frankly, I'm anything but.

As I mentioned, I have really been trying to be more positive about this round (although it may not sound like it) and I am still giving this one to God 100%. Don't confuse my thoughts/feelings on the outcome of this round with worry, I have the least amount of anxiety I have had in 3 years when it comes to this process. I credit that to finally being able to give this one to Him. With that being said, I am a realist. I have searched for anything and everything that point the odds in our favor, unfortunately I just can't find much. Allow me to explain where I am coming from...

As I stated in my last post I only had one dominant follicle. I also stated you really only need one, so I wasn't going to consider it an issue. After consulting Dr. Internet (I know I know but I just can't help myself and it isn't all misinformation or just opinion, he often brings me much needed comfort), I ran across several women stating their doctors forego any month that they have less than 2 dominant follicles. Their doctors have told them the chances are just too slim and it would be a waste. Now, this is not the first time I have heard this, which is why I had Dr. D's nurse ask him, when the last round didn't take, if we should try a medicated cycle. His response, was no. He felt my body was responding just fine naturally. I accepted that but still didn't feel all that great about it. I would understand had I had 2 or 3 dominant follicles but just one? Why not just give it a try? A little kick start if you will? But, again, he is the doctor and I the patient, he knows best. Right???

In the brief meeting following the insemination, one of the questions Cozart asked (and I am so glad he did) was: "If this round doesn't work, what will we try different next time?". Her response was: "We typically don't change anything until you have done 3 or 4 rounds.". Whoa whoa whoa... wait a minute. That would imply we were here to do an infinite amount of treatments. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have budgeted for 3, maybe (if unmedicated) 4 IUI treatments. That's it, after that, we go back to trying on our own and saving for whatever option we can save enough money for before we're just too old to even consider having kids. (that may sound extreme, but it's true and the reality we live with every day.) I continued on, asking her about possibly trying a medicated cycle. (a medicated cycle means you are injecting a drug that stimulates follicle growth. Yielding 3, 5, 7 follicles vs 1. It also takes the cost of each treatment from approx $600 to $1000 or more.) She stated the reason Dr. D would be against a medicated cycle is due to the risk of having multiples. Cozart, nicely, asked her if we could be the ones to assess that risk. Unless I had some life threatening, pre-existing condition that could potentially kill me if I had more than one baby, we feel 2 is much better than none at all. We quite possibly could be eating our words should twins be in our future but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. She was very sweet and said she would make a note in our chart but hopes we don't even get to that point. We hope so too. In short, I can't help but feel we could have improved our chances (for this round) had we just had a a conversation with Dr. D about whether or not having multiples is a concern for us. I guess, at least now he will know for next time.

My 2nd reason for being down on this round is timing. After 3 years of "trying" to get pregnant, charting every twinge, ache, pain, pinch, pull, temperature fluctuation, mucous consistency, cervix positioning (that was short lived. I will never figure it out. Not to mention it's gross.), peeing on sticks to track ovulation, I have gotten pretty in tune with my body. Although, I can't tell you the exact moment I ovulate, like some say they can, I think I can identify it within a 12-24 hour window. Not bad, huh? Yeah, you'd think I'd be pregnant by now, wouldn't you? Me too. Insemination, was not within that 12-24 hour window. In fact, after looking back through my charts (35 months worth), I have only ovulated (according to my non-medical professional calculations) past Cycle Day 14 or 15, twice. Insemination was Cycle Day 17. I also start feeling progesterone symptoms approximately 3-6dpo, which is normal. This month they started the day after IUI, before I started the progesterone supplements. All signs point to being a day (or 3) late and dollar (or 600) short. I know I should trust the medical professionals and all their fancy testing and it's true, my charting and relying on my "feelings" hasn't gotten me pregnant thus far but I can't shake what I believe intuition is telling me.

With all that said, I refuse to end this post as the Polly Pissy Pants I started it as. The truth is God performs miracles every single day. I may not be confident about this round but I believe in a God that does great things. Things that I could never dream of explaining and go against all realms of possibility. Our God is an awesome God and for that I am eternally blessed and thankful whether be it with or without child. His will be done, in His time, not ours.

G'night...

It's all up to the Man upstairs...

Good News! As presumed, I am ovulating on my left side this time around. Yay!! There is only one dominant follicle measuring just over 18mm. Although, I would have liked to have seen more than one, one is really all you need. My E2 level was still a little on the low side so they have suggested we wait until Thursday evening for the trigger shot and Saturday for the insemination, in hopes that my estrogen will continue to increase over the next 4 days.

I am really trying to do my best to give this one to God 100%. No worries, no anxiety, whatever happens happens according to the plan He had already set for me long before I was even a glimmer in my Mama's eye. Whatever will be, will be.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day, is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Writer's Block... Ugh!

Hello again... It is probably a good thing that I don't rely on my writing as a source of income. My lack of posting in the past couple weeks is a direct reflection of my lack of intriguing topics in which to discuss, which would, if this blog were my source of income, result in 6 very hungry bellies. Not good.

For the most part, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to discuss both, the peaks and the pits of my life and typically have no problem just coming out and saying what's on my mind. There are a few exceptions. 1. When in a disagreement with my darling husband. I tend to crawl into my shell a little. Or I just need time with my own thoughts, he often doesn't understand this part. 2. When the "pit" I'm in has me feeling like I just need some me time, I also tend to crawl in my shell. And, 3. When I don't have anything nice to say. (don't say anything at all, right?) Apparently, I'm adding a forth: lack of writing inspiration.

Every time I have picked up the computer the past few weeks I have felt pangs of guilt, for not posting, and a little avoidance when it comes to my blog. Kind of like that daunting task that you try to pretend doesn't exist, in hopes that it will just miraculously check itself off the list. Perhaps these feelings are due to the lack of action on the baby making front. Possible partial blame could be placed on Cozart's change in schedule which has caused us both lack of sleep. (I don't sleep well when he's not home) Or maybe my own work stress, which has consumed most of my thoughts over the last couple weeks. Whatever the reason, I hope this is the end of my writer's block.

Aside from the writer's block, Cozart's new position at the hospital and our disrupted sleep pattern and my work drama; I have rather enjoyed our month off from all things baby. Of course, it's never completely turned off in my mind. Everywhere I turn, someone is pregnant, having a baby or asking me about my kids (thinking I have something other than that of the four-legged, furry variety). I think this was the first month in almost 3 years that I can say I had absolutely no expectation of seeing a positive pregnancy test. It has been a welcome break and I am ready to, hopefully, try again this month.

My cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work appointment was yesterday morning. I arrived at Dr. D's office at 8:15am with absolutely no pre-conceived thoughts. The last 2 appointments just like this one, I was either nervous and apprehensive or feeling like this just isn't our month. This time I was relaxed and, as hard as a tried, I couldn't get a feel for what my gut was trying to tell me. I am chalking this up as a good thing and hope it continues. The ultrasound showed that, although it appears I will be ovulating on my left side this month, there was only one dominant follicle and it was far from ready, measuring only 11.92mm. (they like to see between 18-20mm before they will have you administer the trigger shot) They called later in the day, which I didn't realize until this afternoon because they called my work phone, to tell me my E2 level (estrogen) was at 90. (also too low for triggering) So, I have a 2nd ultrasound and blood draw scheduled for Tuesday morning. Typically, the follicles grow between 2-3mm per 24 hours which should put me right at 18-20mm at the time of that appointment. If all looks good, I will trigger Tuesday evening, come back Thursday morning for Cozart's deposit and later in the day for insemination.

Until Tuesday...

 "Forget all the reasons why it won't work and BELIEVE the one reason it will." - Unknown

Happy Sunday!!!

Hello again... I know it's been quite a few days since I have posted anything. After the roller coaster ride that was the month of July, I just haven't had much to say.

I had a nice trip home to Minnesota, although not for reasons I would like to be making said trip; it's still always nice to go home. The celebration of my Grandfather's life was wonderful. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in years. I think I heard "I haven't seen you since you were this big..." more in 2 days than I have my entire life. The service was followed by a luncheon and then we laid him to rest at the cemetery right in between my Grandmother and my Dad. I know I said it before but I am just so overcome with joy and peace knowing they are together once again. We wrapped up the service with each grandchild releasing a balloon into the sky. It still gives me chills just thinking about it.

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound scheduled for this past Tuesday. And just as I had suspected, I am ovulating on the right side so we will wait this month out. I would be lying if I said I wasn't even just a little bit disappointed. Although, I am a little relieved to have a month to not have to have every waking (and some sleeping) thought consumed by baby making. I suppose it is still possible that we could get pregnant this month on our own, so I'm sure I'll have a thought of hope run through my mind a few times in the next 2 weeks. The chances are so slim, I won't be holding my breath.

I anticipate Flo's arrival sometime the last week of August, at which time I will again call to schedule the 10 day ultrasound and blood work and we start the process all over again. It appears that my body is pretty text book as far as my cycles. (ie every 28 days, alternating ovaries, etc.) However, it is not uncommon for a woman to have 1 or 2 annovulatory cycles a year. An annovulatory cycle is when you just don't ovulate. With that being said, I am hopeful next month cycle will be on the left but it is also possible it will repeat the right or I may not ovulate at all. Until then, fingers crossed and more waiting...

In other news, Cozart started his job at the hospital this past week. Much as I had suspected, it is going to be quite an adjustment. Not only for him, but for me as well. For at least the first month, he will primarily be working nights (7pm-7am), as well as working a couple days for the ambulance company. Although, we have both come accustom to him working 24 hour shifts with 48 hours off in between, this work all night, sleep during the day thing is for the birds. But something we both will need to get used to. Between both companies, he's been gone pretty much all weekend and next weekend will be much of the same. It's nice to have the house to yourself for the first day, the 2nd day is when it starts to get to me. On the bright side, I can spend a lot more time at yoga, without having to listen to his grumblings about me being gone. :)

Happy Sunday!!!

The results are in...

Well, it comes as no surprise to me that this round did not take. Even though I wasn't as confident about this go round as I could have been; it still doesn't make a negative result any easier to take.

I went in last Friday for blood work, as I had previously mentioned. They were testing my progesterone levels; looking for a result higher than 17.  Last month my P4 result was 10.7 (not great) and the month before it was 17. Neither month was I taking progesterone suppositories. Just so you know what these numbers all mean; the higher the number the greater the likelihood ovulation did in fact occur. A 10 is borderline, it probably did happen but it isn't what they would call a "strong ovulation". 17, without progesterone supplements of any kind is good and would be considered a "strong ovulation" and anything 20+ is great, or "very strong". They say progesterone isn't indicative of pregnancy but many women who have a P4 result of say 30 on 7dpiui (that's day past IUI) or 7dpo (days past ovulation) are udually pretty thrilled and have a good chance of staring at a + on an HPT 7 days in their future.  Progesterone number will continue to increase should you in fact be pregnant. My result on 8dpiui, while taking progesterone suppositories, was 17.5. I was less than thrilled. Yes, my number was above what they wanted to see but it also had been .5 below that without the help of the supplement. I wasn't overly confident before these results and any hope I did have was squashed to just about nothing after finding this out.

When the nurse called in my results she also informed me that I would not have to come in for blood work the following Friday (today) to determine if the IUI did in fact work. She said I should use an HPT (home pregnancy test, just a reminder for any of you who may have missed the post previously breaking down my acronyms) that evening (a week ago) to be sure the trigger shot was out of my system. If the test was positive, use another the following morning and so on until you get a negative. The test was negative that afternoon and again this morning (and yesterday morning). Boo!!

I have spoken to very few of you as I haven't really been in a very good place with this news as the icing on my bad-news-week cake. I am feeling better about it today than I was yesterday. Yesterday was just, well... BAD!  Just to give you an idea, I have copied and pasted my response to a dear friend's,  whom has experienced all of this herself, email telling me she was thinking of me: (please note: I feel 100% comfortable being completely forthright with her. I'm so lucky to have her.)

 The treatment didn't work. 221 million sperm and not one could find my egg. I am waiting to hear back from the doctor with how he would like to proceed next month. Mostly just needing to know if he would like to add any drugs to the next cycle. 

I'd like to say I'm being really upbeat and positive but today I'm neither of those things. Maybe tomorrow will be different but today I'm angry, frustrated, confused, and feel cheated. I haven't talked to anyone else because I know they'll say: "just think positive.", "you never know, you haven't gotten your period yet, there's still a chance." or "you can try again next month.". I may verbally assault whomever even breathes anything remotely close to that so, I'm glad YOU are the one emailing me and I am responding to you because you KNOW how I'm feeling. And you won't think I'm being a super negative pissy-pants with a piss poor attitude and tell me it could be worse, I could have lost a loved one this week too. Oh that's right, that happened 2 days ago. I clearly forgot to mention I'm also having a bout of poor me syndrome!

Ahhh... I feel better. Thank you for letting me vent!

I am better today than yesterday but still a tad bitter. I received a call from Dr. D's nurse and he doesn't want to deviate from the original plan of going au naturale. I will admit, I was a little disappointed seeing as I had only one mature follicle with an unmedicated cycle but I'll trust his judgement, even if a little unsure of it. That's why I pay him the big bucks, right?

Flo has yet to rear her ugly head. (effective immediately, we will cease from referring to the "red headed beast" as "Aunt" Flo. Cozart and I have far too many Aunt's whom we love dearly to share the title with something we have come to so greatly despise.) Flo (or "red headed beast"; which I really like but have 2 darling nephews with red hair so it just doesn't seem appropriate either), is held at bay while taking progesterone supplements, for most women. I have since stopped using them and should be expecting her to make an unwelcome appearance some time in the next 2-5 days. On the day of her arrival, we start the process all over again with me calling to schedule my cycle day 10 ultrasound and get a script for the ovidrel/trigger shot this time. I've had my fill of searching for syringes in trees. If the ultrasound shows I am ovulating on the left side again, it's game on. Trigger shot, Cozart's deposit, the spermies get a bath, I go in for my part and yet another excruciating 2ww (week wait). If it's the right side, we sit this month out.

More for me, than for all of you, and maybe a little hokey but I really feel like I need to end this post on a positive note. A lot has happened in my life over the last 2 weeks and it has been very easy to start questioning things like why would God take a life and the hope of a new life from me all within 72 hours of each other? Why does everything come so simple for others and not for me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? And so on and so forth... But the truth is, I have so many things to be grateful for, I am not being punished, there are so many others who have much more difficult roads ahead, these events are not the consequences of previous actions. My Grandfather is breathing easy, in a place I long to one day be. I know I was put on this earth to be a mother and I will be one day soon. I have a husband that is an amazing partner and my best friend. I have friends and family that love me and a job that will allow me to hop on a plane to be with family without asking any questions at all. I'm healthy, with a roof over my head and food on the table. (I feel like I'm writing a country song. Actually I would have to have all these things taken away and maybe I'd have a hit on my hands?) And I have my faith and because of that, I know I never have to face any of the bad (or good) alone. Amen to that!


"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" - Roman 8:25 

"Please keep hands and feet inside the cart until the ride comes to a complete stop..."

I have always been a fan of roller coasters. Roller coasters of the emotional variety... not a fan at all. I have definitely been on quite a ride since my last post. I was fully prepared for this 2 week wait to be anxiety stricken, long and extremely drawn out. Never could I have fathomed what it would truly entale.

From the moment we stepped out of the doctor's office, 2 weeks ago Thursday, I wanted to fast forward time. I've experienced the "2 week wait" several times in the past 3 years and it has never been fun. I knew this particular 2 week wait would be even worse for several reasons. One, we were now financially vested, aside from the $10 boxes of OPKs and HPTs, in this process. Two, from what the tests have shown, this "should" work for us. Three, I have this overwhelming feeling that this will not only be disappointment for Cozart and I (if it doesn't work), but also for all of you who have taken the time to read my ramblings for the past 3 months. The anticipation is almost unbearable.

After spending my first weekend post IUI trying to think of ways to fast forward the next 2 weeks; I received a call from my Aunt which would force me to slam on the brakes and want to go BACK in time. My Grandfather, who has been battling lung cancer, for the 2nd time, over the past year was, ironically, given 2 weeks to live. I was able to spend time with him while I was in Minnesota in June but never did I think it would be the last time I would see him. He was far from picture perfect health but he was up and about. He came to my brother's graduation and we went to the cemetery to see my Dad's grave. It's amazing how quickly things can change. Although I am selfishly, very sad at the thought of my Grandfather having limited time on this earth; I am overwhelmed by a sense of peace because I know he will soon be with his 3 sons (one being my Dad) and his first wife, my Grandma Clarine. He lost them all too soon and I know he has dreamt, just like I have, of the day that they will meet again. I pray for peace while he is still here on earth, and eternal happiness in heaven with those who loved him most.

As I mentioned, this past week and a half has been a roller coaster of emotions. Anxious of the wait to be over but cherishing every moment I can hear my Grandfather's voice over the phone. I am hyper-sensitive to every twinge, cramp, tingle, ache or pain I feel in my body. And crying over anything and everything that reminds me of my Grandfather. Unfortunately or fortunately, he is the one who taught me to drive and I spend about 80% of my day in the car. I can't help but smile when I pull into a left turning lane. 20 years ago, in my Grandfather's Ford F150, him the passengers seat, I in the driver's, I thought it was ok to make a right turn from the left turn lane. I'm glad I didn't lose him by way of heart attack on that day. That's just one of so many fun, loving memories I have of him. He's such an amazing man and will be deeply missed by many.

3 more days until testing. Throughout the day, I go from feeling really confident that it worked to thinking it's all in my head and we'll be trying for round 2 in another 2 weeks. As of right now, I'm thinking exactly that.... bring on Aunt Flo, next cycle and another torturous 2 week wait. Ugh!!! Only time will tell which voice in my head is right.

Until then, I would like to leave you today with the prayer from my Girlfriends in God daily devotional. It seemed so fitting for today and this week and I know a few of you may find it appropriate in your own way.

Lord, I confess that when life is hard, I tend to lose hope. I want my hope to be in you, Father. I want to walk in faith and in your will for my life. I am so tired of being defeated. Please show me how to walk in obedience, and by doing so, walk in hope. Amen

And now we wait...

What a week it has been!!! Yesterday went well, or at least I think it did. Cozart went into the doctor's office at 8am to "make his deposit" which resulted in more super-human-like numbers than the last 2 analyses. Just to give you an idea of what I am talking about; normal sperm count is 40 million, they want to see anything over 20 million. Cozart's count was 698 MILLION pre-wash and 221 million post-wash. Dr. D suggested we frame his results and hang them up somewhere. I would not be surprised if Cozart just so happened to swing by a Michael's today to do just that. Although the count is fantastic and much better than we could have hoped for, there still needs to be at least 1 swimmer that can figure out where it needs to go. Luckily, Cozart has no problem asking for directions, hopefully his swimmers share the same mentality.

The procedure itself was very quick and virtually painless. Some cramping but nothing intolerable. Many of you have asked how I am feeling today or if I am on bedrest and the answer is, no, not at all. IUI, unlike IVF, is extremely natural. I wasn't sedated, the only drug I took was a natural hormone and the procedure was minimally (if at all) invasive. Other than having to be at the doctor at 11:30, yesterday was just like any other day. I even went to yoga last night. It's actually a little weird how normal I do feel. It has felt like such a huge deal, leading up to this day, you would think I would feel different, but I don't.

As far as my feelings about whether it will work this time around; I'm leaning more towards the negative than the positive. Only because I felt so unprepared and unaware of what to expect. Like I said in my last post, this feels like a practice round. I went into the ultrasound on Tuesday thinking I would have to come back Wednesday to do it all over again and possibly Thursday too. It all happened so quickly and, although everything worked out, I can't help but think we missed something along the way. But I can't dwell on what I wish I would have known, and didn't or what I wish we would have done, and didnt. If it works HALLELUJAH, if it doesn't, we will just be better prepared for the next time!

Another question I have been posed with a number of times is; who will we tell if it does work? That's kind of a tough one to answer and something Cozart and I have to discuss further. I mean, I have kind of sucked you all in and how would I not tell you now that you've been given a play-by-play of this experience? But, at the same time, even just leading up to yesterday, I was asked questions like; where will you deliver? Do you want a boy or a girl? Do you have names picked out? And have been given parenting/pregnancy advice. Of course, I appreciate every one's excitement and I know that it comes from a good place but I am an EXTREMELY superstitious person. Talking to me like I am already pregnant, freaks me out! I can't help but think I jynxed it all!!! So with that being said, I would love to have a moment where we all jump up and down with excitement and start buying baby clothes but until I know we are in the clear, I may not feel like posting it on Facebook or putting it on a billboard on the side of I-4 for the world to see. BUT.... (there are so many BUTS) if it doesn't work, obviously I will be walking you all through this process again. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and should just say, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... in 14 (very long) days.

My next appointment is on Friday to have more blood drawn to test my progesterone level. Until then, I will do my best to stay busy and try not to think about it too much (YEAH RIGHT!!!).

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

          -Author Unknown

D Day...

By 5:00 yesterday, I had decided to write this month off due to lack of communication from the doctor's office. I guess, there was a slight chance I may still hear from them today but would it be too late? And it's a holiday; I wasn't able to find the drug/hormone (Ovidrel) at any pharmacy I called and even if one did have it, they would be closed today so there would be no chance of getting it. I was pretty upset and concerned that next month would be a right-ovary-ovulation-month because this month was a left. That would then mean we would have to wait another 2 months. Again, what is another 2 or 3 months when you've waited almost 3 years? Either way, I was pretty disappointed.

I hung up the phone with my sister, around 5:15, choked back tears and decided to get ready to go to watch fireworks at a friends' house. I might as well make the best of this disappointing day and enjoy the holiday. No sooner did I finish my personal pep-talk, my work phone rang. It was Dr. D's nurse, Kathy, calling to tell me to give myself the trigger shot tonight. Although, I was so happy to hear from her, I was still not pleased that the call didn't come until the 11th hour. (literally, I would have to administer the shot within the next hour) I explained to her that I didn't have the shot, I had no luck finding a pharmacy that had it in stock and I didn't have a script for it even if I was able to find it. After some back and forth discussion of ways to remedy the situation I was put on hold. Kathy came back to phone to let me know they had found one in their office and she would leave it in a tree, near the employee entrance of their Orlando office, for me to pick up. Umm... YAY??? I think?? We then scheduled Cozart's "deposit" for 8am, Thursday morning. The sperm washing will take approximately 3 hours (I thought it was 8, apparently I was wrong) and I am scheduled for insemination at 11:30am.

After driving to Orlando and retrieving my hormone injection from a tree. I met Cozart at the facility he was dropping a patient off at so he could give me the injection.

I am completely over the moon with the fact that this is finally happening, but I can't help but think that there is a pretty good chance this may just be a practice round for us. I'm not being negative, just trying to have realistic expectations. On the flip side, if this does work, we will have one heck of a story to tell our future child.

Last but not least, I ask for your prayers: 1. that the insemination works, 2. that I am able to sustain the pregnancy if it does work and 3. if it doesn't work, we ask for prayers for continued patience and faith in God and his plan for us.

Thank you so much for continuing to read and all your prayers and support.

Until tomorrow...

Another Year Older...

Tomorrow's forecast for Minnesota is lots of sun and 10° warmer than it will be here in Florida. My homesickness is cured! At least until September when the leaves start changing and my internal clock starts to tell me the weather should be getting cooler and it doesn't. Until then, I will enjoy the "cooler" Florida weather and be thankful I'm not at my parents' house or at my sister's in Michigan where neither have central air conditioning. ;)

 I celebrated the 6th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday on Saturday. I've never been one to feel the need to fib about my age or been embarrassed by it. After all, you truly are only as old as you feel, right? This year has been a little bit of a kick in the teeth though. In the world of baby making 35 is the magic age when a woman moves from normal, healthy, low risk, nothing-is-of-concern, still good (not as good as in your 20's but still good) chances of conceiving on your own to, high risk, chances of natural conception considerably drop, if you haven't been able to have a baby on your own and have yet to see an RE GO NOW... RUN... TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!! And now you're REALLY up against the clock. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating just a tad. There are plenty of people that have healthy pregnancies, birthing beautifully, healthy happy babies well into their 40's, I understand this completely. The feelings of panic and being up against a clock are, however, in no way an exaggeration of how I've been feeling these first few days of my 35th year.

Despite falling into the high-risk category by turning a year older; I did have a very nice birthday. Cozart always does a great job making my day very special and this year was no exception. We spent Saturday at the beach with friends. Thanks to Beth and Vince for allowing our rowdy bunch (floating watermelons and all) to hang out by the pool all day. Hot sun and drinking can make for a crazy group. Saturday evening I came home to flowers from both my Mom and my Aunt. And Sunday, Cozart made dinner for me and his family. All in all it was a great weekend but a birthday wouldn't be complete without a little time to reflect on where I am and where I thought I would be at age 35. In an effort to be more positive, let's just say, I am NOWHERE where I thought I would be; but where we are, is ALWAYS where we are SUPPOSED to be.

In baby-making news: I had my first ultrasound this morning to see which side I would be ovulating on this month, as well as blood drawn to test my estrogen level. Good News: They found a predominant follicle on the LEFT SIDE!!! The nurse who performed the ultrasound said that she would venture to guess I would be administering the trigger shot this evening but I would have to wait to hear from Dr. D's nurse when she calls this afternoon. I'm starting to get a bit nervous as the end of the business day is fast approaching and I have yet to hear from their office. The shot is not given until between 6pm and 8pm but... I haven't been able to find a pharmacy that has the hormone in stock and if it has to be ordered, it will not be in until Thursday due to tomorrow being a holiday. Grrrr.... It's always something!!!

I will keep you posted....

Good things come to those who wait...

Have you ever seen the email, subject entitled: Why men shouldn't take phone messages? The email opens up to a picture of a note on a fridge that says: Someone from Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. HA! Funny right? Well sometimes I wonder if when we're praying we are actually leaving a message for God's answering service. Maybe my prayers are getting to him but not in the correct order, are being misinterpreted or God's secretary happens to be male? (just kidding boys) I have prayed for the last 30-something months that Aunt Flo please not visit yet she arrives, like clockwork, every 28 days. Then, the one month I pray that she comes on the 28th day and she shows up 2 days late. Such is life...

I will be leaving for Minnesota on June 8th and will be gone until the 17th. If Aunt Flo would have arrived when she was supposed to, we would have been able to start the monitoring (ultrasound) in preparation for insemination on Monday June 4th. The trigger shot (HCG/hormone) would then occur on the 6th or 7th and insemination would occur on the 7th or 8th. Due to her tardiness, we will now have to wait until July's cycle.

On the bright side, I am a little relieved we will be waiting. I know they say flying doesn't necessarily adversely affect an impending pregnancy but, I'd rather not take my chances. Not to mention, my trip to Minnesota isn't with the intention of getting some R&R, kicking my feet up with nothing to do but take in the beautiful Minnesota summer weather. I will be helping with and attending a graduation party for my youngest brother and the wedding of my 2nd youngest brother. I would rather spend the week following insemination in my normal routine, not worrying that my brothers' 2 very important, life impacting days go off without a hitch.

With that being said, perhaps God DID get my message and I'm, once again, misinterpreting his blessings. Hmmm...?




On a side note: I have added a FOLLOW BY EMAIL box to the bottom of this page (scroll all the way to the bottom). Some of you have commented on the web address not working or wanting notification when I have posted a new blog entry. Well now you can get just that. All you have to do is enter your email address and hit SUBMIT. It will take you to another page where you have to enter a few lines of information (nothing more than your name, a login and password). They will then send you a confirmation email with a link to click to confirm. (be sure to check your junk mail to ensure it didn't get dumped there instead of your inbox) Then you're done! You will then receive all new blog entries via email. If you don't want more email sent to your ever expanding inbox, you can also click on Join This Site box to the right of the page. This will enable you to post comments but I don't believe it sends notifications when I post updates.

Thanks for reading!!!

Moving Forward (sans the insanity)

Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I am pretty sure, if I had the chance to have a conversation about our baby making journey with Mr. Einstein he would personally escort us both to the funny farm himself. 30 months of doing the same thing while remaining hopeful the outcome will be different; we're definitely skating a fine line between having a strong faith in God and being completely nuts. My opinion is the first but then again, how many crazy people do you know who actually admit they're crazy? It is time we stop the baby making insanity!!!

As I had previously mentioned, I was scheduled for a 2nd HSG test the 2nd week of May. This is the test done by injecting dye into my uterus while taking a series of x-rays to determine whether or not there are any blockages in my fallopian tubes and/or any obstructions in my uterus. If you recall, the first RE (Dr. T) had performed this test and had determined my right fallopian tube was inflamed, folded or blocked by scar tissue from an unknown cause. The test was performed a 2nd time by Dr. D because the pictures provided by Dr. T were, for a lack of a better term, crap. The 2nd test showed the same result as the first. My left tube and uterus are completely clear and a-ok. The right, however, is still not allowing dye to travel through, therefore it has been determined it is blocked by scar tissue. Although, this isn't the best news possible, it is still not a major concern for Dr. D. He stated that even with one tube, we should be pregnant by now. He gave us the option to have the laparoscopic surgery although it would only confirm what the blockage truly is. There is no guarantee they could open the tube back up and there would also be a risk of developing more scar tissue because of the procedure. No thanks! Following the 2nd HSG test, we scheduled a follow-up visit/consultation to discuss what we do next. This appointment took place Friday.

Before every appointment we have been to throughout this journey, I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Nerves, anxiety, excitement, hope, fear, anticipation, this appointment was no different. Aside from the MTHFR gene mutation, every test result has come back just as it did before. Everything has been normal with no indication as to what is preventing us from getting pregnant. I felt it very hard to believe this doctor could have any different thoughts in regard to a treatment plan than the previous doctor. IVF would be the only answer and how in the world would we afford that? Would we just have to... I hate even typing it... give up? Would we just have to learn to live a life without children? Would we eternally be the Aunt and Uncle with all the animals? I know my thoughts and emotions seem severe and rather extreme especially seeing as we haven't even spoken to the doctor yet but I just want you to get an idea of just how much of a roller coaster ride this has been.

Our appointment, again, was in the early morning. We arrived at the office and were called back rather quickly. We waited for over an hour for the HSG test. I was afraid I had sung their praises too soon after our first visit but they did not disappoint this time. We sat in front of a computer where Dr. D went through the series of x-rays from the HSG test. He again, explained what he was seeing and pointed out the differences in the right tube and left. He discussed the option of laparoscopic surgery and how he doesn't even do the surgeries himself anymore. We determined it wouldn't be an avenue we would like to pursue. We then went over all my blood work and discussed how everything looked good. He brought up the MTHFR gene mutation and said I should just take 2 extra folic acid tablets per day with my pre-natal vitamins. He explained that he would be concerned if I had 2 mutations but seeing as I only have one, the additional folic acid would be sufficient for the problem. Dang it! I was really banking on this little anomaly in my, otherwise, perfect test results would be the answer to our problems. Who would have thought a doctor telling you you're basically normal would be such disappointing news? Back to the drawing board...

We then moved on to Cozart's results. I had already heard all of this over the phone, so I was fully prepared to listen to yet another person inflate my husband's ego by describing his sperm analysis findings as super hero like. I even stopped Dr. D before going through all the results forewarning him that Cozart's head needed to fit in my car to get home. He proceeded with, "Well, it's not all super.". YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! Finally something! Although, Cozart's count and the numbers that go along with it are great, there is one other thing they tested for which is call sperm agglutination. Sperm agglutination is a condition in which the sperm cells stick to one another. We didn't discuss what the cause of it may be but that it can interfere with the process of effectively reaching and fertilizing the egg. This coupled with an issue I have with lack of cervical mucous, (we mentioned this to the 1st doctor who dismissed the issue but we failed to mention to Dr. D) could very well be what is preventing us from getting pregnant on our own.

***Sorry if this is all a little TMI. Please refer to my first post forewarning about the discussion of bodily functions. Which may include but is not limited to bodily fluids.***

Could this really be it? The answer we've been praying for? Perhaps... but now, how in the heck to we get past this?

Well, according to Dr. D, IUI is our answer (or at least where we're starting). IUI, short for intrauterine insemination is when they take sperm and insert it directly into my uterus using a turkey baster like apparatus. It's not quite that easy though. Nothing else has been so why start now? It is, however, much easier and more natural than IVF (in vitro fertilization) . Not to mention, MUCH MUCH less expensive! PRAISE on all accounts!

We will not begin the IUI process until 10 days into my next cycle. I expect Aunt Flo's arrival on Saturday of this week, so 9 days from Saturday. I will have to go in for an ultrasound on day 10 to determine which side I will be ovulating on for that particular cycle. (Female Anatomy 101 Fun Fact #1: Most women only release an egg from one side or the other each month) If it is the right side, we will have to sit that cycle out because of the blocked fallopian tube. (Female Anatomy Fun Fact #2: Just because said women released an egg from her right side on one month does not necessarily mean it will be the left [or vice versa] the next.) If they see that I will be ovulating on my left side, I will be sent home with a drug called Ovidrel to be injected when instructed by the doctor. Ovidrel is the HCG hormone. It's basically just giving my egg a little push out of my ovary in an effort to guarantee ovulation. Cozart will have to provide a sample the next day. His sample will go through an 8 hour process called sperm washing. This just ensures that the healthy and strong swimmers are what they are injecting. After the washing is complete, I return for the insemination. Then we wait... and pray... and pray... and pray somemore!! I will go back in 2 weeks following insemination to have a blood test to determine if it worked. We will not be able to use an HPT as the hormone the HPT picks up is the hormone I will have been injected with. Even if it doesn't work, the HPT will still read positive.

So that's it! We may not have a baby yet and the chance of this working may not be 100% but I just can't help but feel so incredibly blessed. Blessed to finally have a doctor we feels so comfortable with. Blessed to feel like we're finally getting somewhere. But mostly, blessed to have such an amazing support system in each and every one of you. We have amazing friends and family and we just can't wait to have a little one to share all of you with!!! Our journey definitely isn't complete but at least my hope has been restored to sustain what's yet to come. That alone, is an answered prayer.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6