So much to be Thankful for...

I really can not believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is just a very short 29 days away! Yikes!!!

We spent Thanksgiving here in Florida with Cozart's family. I started my day with a gratitude filled yoga practice with some of my favorite yogis. After my yummy practice I left for the airport to pick up my Mom. This was the first weekend my Mom and I have spent just the 2 of us (sans my siblings and step-dad) since we went to NYC to pick out fabric for my wedding dress more than 6 years ago. We celebrated with copious amounts of delicious food, friends and family. Aside from Cozart almost choking to death at the beginning of dinner, the day couldn't have been better. No need to worry, Cozart is feeling just fine. He had, what felt like, a muscle spasm in his throat and wasn't able to swallow. A family Holiday wouldn't be the same without a little drama, right?

Although, I had every intention of avoiding Black Friday craziness at all costs, my darling husband and lovely mother had other plans. Cozart found a TV that he absolutely had to have. After several days of him lobbying for said TV, I exercised my right to veto this large, unnecessary purchase. We have a TV, it may not be as large and may not have all the features, but it works just fine. Better than fine. In fact the TV on sale would be too big, in my opinion. NO TV, end of story... or so I thought... I'm really not sure how it happened but sometime late afternoon it was determined Mom would contribute to the purchase price of the TV as Cozart's Christmas present. At 10pm, I would begrudgingly accompany the 2 of them to the place I least like to shop... WAL-MART... UGH!!

After battling through the ridiculous number of people, most of which were your stereotypical "people of Wal-Mart", and to my satisfaction, there were only 16 TVs available and we would be close to the 50th, 51st and 52nd in line. Unnecessary large purchase diverted until.... Mom pipes up with: "Isn't there another Wal-Mart close by?" I love my Mother but she was clearly not picking up on my disapproval of this entire escapade, especially her large contribution to us even being out at that hour amongst the crazies. So we set off for yet another crazy people infested Wal-Mart. The 2nd store was the same story: more people than TVs. With Cozart's head hanging low in disappointment and me trying to hide my Cheshire Cat-like, grin we headed home to bed, where I should have been 2 hours prior.

On Friday we picked out our Christmas tree and Mom treated us to her homemade cashew chicken and beef and pea pods. After trying her chinese, you would understand why I don't like take out from anywhere. Amaze! Saturday, Mom and I went to lunch with Cozart's Aunts, Grandmother and a friend of the family and her daughter. We did a little shopping and ended our day at home watching my High School's football team lose the state finals game (they still played well despite not winning. Go Huskies!) and we made a tree skirt for our Christmas tree. Sunday morning we went to church and then it was off to the airport to send Mom back home.

Our Christmas Tree with Tree Skirt made by me and Mom

It was a great weekend, although it went by too quickly, packed with so many things to be thankful for: One on one time with my Mom, her great cooking and sharing of her sewing skills. Fun with family and friends. Good food. Beautiful weather. My puppies and kitty who are missing Grandma terribly already. My wonderful and persistant [in his pursuit to make an unnecessary purchase] husband. And finally, I am thankful for the people of Wal-mart, for if it weren't for them I would be blinded by a television too big for my living room and a large chunk of cash missing from my bank account.

Bentley, Deuce and Winnie missing Grandma

For those wondering how the 2 week wait is going... (Let me add, that I am also thankful for a holiday and a visitor to land right in the middle of this 2 weeks. Both have made the time go by much quicker.) I am 10 days past IUI but I don't think I ovulated until the day after IUI so I'm choosing to use the ovulation date vs IUI date. Symptom wise, I feel completely normal. Not even the symptoms I would typically feel during this period of time. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing so in an effort to be positive, I am going to say this is a good thing. Emotionally, I have been extremely hopeful until this morning. I woke up with my first feeling of doubt. Maybe due to the lack of symptoms, maybe due to the pressure I have put on myself for this month to work, maybe it's just hormones. I really don't know but I feel better now as my day has progressed. I am going to try my hardest to wait until at least Friday to test. We greatly greatly greatly appreciate your continued prayers and support. I can't think of a better Christmas present than to, after 3 long years, see 2 lines on that pregnancy test.

Happy Holidays to you all!!! I encourage you all to enjoy every moment of this wonderful season!!!

Today's the day... (I hope!)

5 days on letrizole (with no side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), 3 rounds of follistim injections (also without side effects. PRAISE! CHECK!), an ultrasound showing 3 follicles on each side with the dominant on the left (HALLELUJAH!!! CHECK CHECK CHECK!) and an Ovidrel injection (CHECK) brings us to today. Our 3rd IUI is scheduled for 11:30a and it's at the office right near our house (I like this office so much more!). AND... it just so happens to be one of the only days Cozart has off this week. Could this be stars aligning? I sure hope so!!!

I leave you with one of my favorite verses from the bible and the one that has given me so much comfort throughout this journey...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

BE. AGGRESSIVE. B-E-A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E BE. AGGRESSIVE. GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE.

In case you were wondering, yes I was a cheerleader. So very many years ago. :)

I'm, once again, falling behind on my blog updates. I'm sorry for any of you who may have been waiting on the edge of your seat for my next ever-so-riveting post. (I hope you can sense my sarcasm.) ;)

I had my follow up visit with Dr. D last Friday. This visit was initiated by myself in hopes I would better understand his conservative approach to our treatments and maybe persuade him to be a bit more aggressive. Unfortunately, Cozart wasn't able to be there. Inevitably there were things I didn't mention that he wished I would have and questions he also wished I would have asked.

Dr. D began our discussion by once again going over my test results and offered some empathy when it came to my frustrations. He made a good point in reminding me that when we look all the way back to our first visit, he seems like such a long time ago but in reality I have only gone through 2 treatments. Most people don't have to skip months like we do, the process for us just feels twice as long because we do have to skip months that I am ovulating on my right side and, well, it IS taking twice as long. He then offered the option of doing what they call a Modified Natural Cycle or Mini-IVF when I am ovulating on the right side. The abbreviated explanation to this procedure is basically IVF without all the drugs. They only retrieve one or two eggs and only transfer one. It is cheaper than a normal IVF treatment but still a pretty hefty chunk of change with only a 15% chance of take home baby. (IUI has between a 10-12% chance of take home baby and my doctor has a 52% chance of take home baby with regular IVF, just to give you a comparison.) For the amount of money you have to pay with those odds, it just doesn't really seem worth it. I told him I appreciated the suggestion but I have actually welcomed the months off. It gives my nerves and my mind a little break.

After discussing the Mini-IVF option we moved on to what we would be doing differently with our next IUI cycle. He agreed it was time to be a bit more aggressive (huge sigh of relief) and agreed Follistim (the drug my cousin's wife sent me) would be the way to go. YAY! YAY! YAY! He gave me instructions to call his office the first day of my cycle, which should be any day now, to schedule an ultrasound for that day as well as one for cycle day 11. The first ultrasound will again be to check for cysts. If it is clear I will again, take clomid on cycle days 3-7 but this time add a follistim injection on days 6, 8 and 10. If the cycle day 11 ultrasound shows I am ovulating on the left side and I don't have too many follicles, I will be given instructions to administer the Ovidrel shot and schedule insemination (and Cozart's deposit) for 36 hours following the shot. The reason we would have to forego this cycle if there are too many follicles is due to the increased chance in multiples. I did explain that twins would be a blessing in our opinion. He explained that it's not so much twins he worries about, it's triplets, quadruplets, quints, etc... This is where Cozart and I don't exactly see eye to eye. He still would consider triplets or even quadruplets a blessing, I think it would be too risky for me and the babies. Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed with having that many babies at once, I would also be terrified. Not only because of the health risks but also the obvious reasons like cost!!! Ummm... HELLO!!!!

So now we wait. Wait for Flo's arrival. It seems she always shows when you least want her to and never arrives in a timely fashion when you need her to. Who does she think she is anyway??

Oh! I almost forgot, we have to attend an IVF seminar this evening. Woo Hoo! The reason we have to attend is not because we are venturing down the very expensive road to IVF but because the injection I will be giving myself is also used for IVF patients. They have to inform you, as a patient, of the risks of the drug prior to using it. Apparently, taking 10 minutes to run through these risks in the doctor's office wouldn't be sufficient. Instead we get to sit through I nice, long, informative seminar on a procedure we will likely never be able to afford to hear about one little drug and the very slight chance it may cause hyper-ovarian stimulation or something of the sort. Can you sense my excitement?? My overly analytical and extremely skeptical mind goes places I wish it wouldn't like, perhaps Dr. D is thinking IUI will never work for us and is getting us to come to the seminar as some type of slimey sales tactic. Kind of like those multi-level marketing scams. 'We'll convince them they have to come for some ridiculous reason and bait them into thinking this is the only way they will ever have a child of their own.' [insert evil laugh] For all intent and purpose I am going to do my best to suppress those thoughts and try my best to be positive. :) Operation Baby Lawrence, full steam ahead!!

Until next time... Happy Hump Day!!!

Fabulous Fall...

It may still be almost 90° here in Central Florida, but I can smell fall in the air. My favorite time of year. Cooler weather, football, being able to open the windows, apple pie and pumpkin everything! Our dogs even get more frisky. It's clearly their most favorite time of year too.

I am a little behind on my updates and for that, I apologize. Although, there hasn't been a great deal to report. I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work on Saturday. As anticipated, this is a right ovary month, so we sit this one out. One of the other doctor's nurses did my ultrasound. She had skimmed over my chart prior to me entering the exam room and I found it quite interesting that the first question out of her mouth was 'why is it that you are only taking 1/2 a tablet of clomid? I've never heard of anyone taking that small of a dose.'. I think she could sense my frustration, because after I told her I wasn't exactly sure but I feel Dr. D is a bit more conservative with his treatment than other doctors, she said "that can be extremely frustrating from a patient perspective." (um... heck yeah it is!!) She then suggested I schedule a follow up before I left the office, which was my plan and is what I did. My follow-up appointment is set for October 5th. That should be right before my next cycle starts so I am very happy with that day and I am hopeful I will feel a restored confidence in this entire process.

Aside from the ultrasound identifying this as a right ovary month, it also indicated that, as anticipated, the clomid did nothing. I had one follicle on the right measuring 14mm and one on the left that wasn't even worth measuring. Nothing more, not even a bunch of little guys. The ever-so-understanding nurse told me she would note in my chart that we had a conversation about the clomid and the low dosage and that I am 100% on board with upping the dosage or using an alternative follicular stimulator. Yes PLEASE, and thank you!

In case you're unable to sense it through my writing, I am feeling pretty beat up and emotionally drained about this entire process. My mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't; like, what if this NEVER happens. What if I never experience what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me? What if we never have a little boy to watch play pop-warner football on Saturday mornings, or a little girl to pass my first pair of ballet slippers on to? What did I/we do to deserve this? Who will take care of us when we're old? As each month passes, I can't help but do the math: I will be 36 when the baby is born (should any of this actually work anytime in the next few months) which would make me 54 when he/she graduates high school, 58 when he/she graduates college (provided they finish in 4 years) and if they decide to wait as long as we did or have a similar experience, I could be 80 before I have grandchildren. By that time, they probably won't want kids because they'll be taking care of us! I know there is nothing I can do about any of this and I shouldn't waste my thoughts on this nonsense but if I am committed to being completely honest and open, this is it and it's not pretty. In fact, it sucks and it doesn't make any sense and it scares the heck out of me. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, 
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- 
You may succeed with another blow. 

Often the goal is nearer than,
 It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown. 

 Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 - Author unknown 

Intuition - 1. Medical Professional Results - 0.

Well hello there weekend! So glad to finally see you again. I wish I could say the same for my frequent, unwelcome visitor, who happened to grace me with her presence Thursday. Yes, I'm referring to non-other than the b*@^h herself, Flo... ugh! (excuse my language) Not only does this mean the obvious, I'm not pregnant. This also confirms the suspicions I had in regard to my actual ovulation date. Allow me to refresh your memory, according to the ridiculously expensive medical testing (although covered by insurance... one of the only things that is) and their results, I ovulated the day of IUI, Cycle Day 17 and 11 days prior to Flo's arrival. Hmmm... that's 2 days earlier than when she should have arrived and while on progesterone, which is said to keep her away. I have also never had a luteal phase that short. (luteal phase is the period of time between ovulation and Flo's arrival.) According to MY calculations/feelings (non-scientific, nor medically confirmed, although...FREE) I ovulated on or about Cycle Day 15-ish (2 days prior to IUI) which would have given Flo an estimated arrival date of... oh... right about THURSDAY! Have I mentioned the chances of getting pregnant AFTER ovulation are slim to none and 2 days post ovulation is basically impossible. Well, in case I didn't, now you know.  And have you ever had one of those moments when you think, "if ever there was a time I didn't want to be right, let it be now"?  Well, I'm having one of those moments. Darn intuition.

Seeing as there is nothing I can do about changing the outcome of this cycle, but learn from it for future cycles, there is no point in dwelling on the negative. Right? Right! In fact, as you all know, I wasn't feeling too confident about this cycle anyway, so I'm chalking up Flo's early arrival as a blessing. At least I didn't have to wait for her for 14 days past IUI plus an additional 5 after stopping the progesterone.

I called Dr. D's office, (we're talking about the fertility doc this time, not the vet. It's a good thing I don't have them both in my phone as Dr. D. That might be a little embarrassing should I call the wrong one.) yesterday to schedule my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work and to ask about doing a medicated cycle this go around. My cycle day 10 U/S and BW is scheduled for next Saturday at 8:15am and I had to leave a message for Dr. D's nurse to discuss the rest. When his nurse called back she asked that I come into the office yesterday before 1pm for another ultrasound. That wasn't happening. I was working an hour away from their office and it was already noon. She was able to schedule me at 9am this morning. I'm kind of over spending my Saturday mornings at a doctor's office. At least I was out of there before my 10:30am yoga class. This ultrasound was needed to clear me for follicle stimulating medication. If any cysts showed, I would not be allowed to take anything for fear that the meds would cause the cysts to rupture. I was all clear and left with a script for meds. Don't go getting all excited now, the dosage is a joke and the drug is one I tried before without a positive result. He is putting me on Clomid, cycle days 3-7 at 25mg. I honestly, have never heard of anyone taking such a small dose. My OB/GYN put me on the same drug for 4 cycles at 50mg and an additional 2 cycles at 100mg. It did nothing, which is why I moved on to an RE to begin with.

As you probably already guessed, I'm a bit annoyed and frustrated, but not as annoyed and frustrated as I would be if this was a left ovary cycle. I don't know, yet, that it's not but it would appear I switch sides every other month pretty consistently. Last cycle was left, so this cycle should be right. This will give me a chance to schedule a follow-up consultation with Dr. D himself to find out why he is so apprehensive about being just a little more aggressive. It should also show that I need more than 25mg of a drug that did nothing for me before, to help generate more than just one follicle every cycle.  I sound like a crazy drug addict begging the doc for MORE! I can assure you, the side effects of "more" can make PMS look like a cake walk so it's truly not something I'm looking forward to. Aside from the chances of the desired outcome being a bit better.

While on the subject of meds, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my cousin's wife for reaching out to me this week, probably when I needed her the most to prevent me from going completely insane. Unbeknownst to me, she and my cousin went through something similar to our experience not long ago. They now have a beautiful baby!!! YAY!!!! She offered to send me the left over meds she had from her last cycle (which was successful, obviously) and they arrived yesterday. Should Dr. D finally agree to me taking this medication, my cousin's wife's donation will have saved us about $500. Praise God!!! Now just as a disclaimer, people donate unused fertility drugs all the time. It's not illegal or dangerous or anything like that. We're not sharing needles or taking something without doctor's orders. A great big, huge, thank you to my cousin's wife (not sure she wants to be named so I would like to protect her anonymity). You are such a blessing, not only for the meds but also for your wealth of knowledge! You comforted me when I needed it most!

Another great big, huge thank you to every one who has sent their love and prayers. You have helped me get through some extremely tough days and I don't know how much more we could take, if it wasn't for your support! There is a lot of love in this house for each and every one of you!!! We're eternally grateful!

That's all I've got for now.

Until next Saturday, if not before...

Enjoy your weekend! And GO BUCS!!!!!! (and Vikes too, but shhhh... don't tell Cozart I said that!)
xo


Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51: 10-12

I love Saturdays...

Aaaahhhh.... There is nothing like waking up and having no place to go. I love Saturdays and even more so after a week full of working with a new, number crunching sales manager, doggie knee surgeries and... What else? Oh yeah, the first 7 days of 14, also known as the two week wait. No big deal.

Thankfully, the vet let Winnie come home yesterday. Not only were Cozart and I very happy to have her home, her brothers (Deuce and Bentley) were too. Deuce spent about 45 minutes Thursday night searching the entire house for her. Poor guy missed his baby sister. Her surgery went well. Dr. D replaced her ligaments with wires that will remain in her knee for her entire life. He did not have to deepen the groove the patella slides in. Praise God! She is getting around ok but would prefer to curl up next to you and just sleep. There is 7 staples in her knee that will have to removed in 2 weeks. I am hoping that by that time she will be putting some weight on her leg. Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers! We have a ways to go as far as recovery goes and having her go back to being a 4 legged fur baby but the scary part is behind us.

I get asked, as early as the first day past IUI, how I am feeling. Whether it works or not, I am not going to "feel" anything this early on and anything I do feel isn't related to actually being pregnant. In my many hours of perusing the internet, over the last few years I came across another blog belonging to a woman also struggling with baby making issues. Ironaically the excerpt below is something she wrote when she was 7dpiui as well. I am using her words instead of my own because, I couldn't have said it better myself. She is extremely knowledgable when it comes to fertility treatments, her body and what it is doing and she tells it like it is. I love that! If you would like to follow her blog, you can find it here.

For the first week of the 2ww, I obviously can't obsess over anything. And I'm surprised over the people who do obsess about it. What I'm more surprised is when people pay attention to the obsessing. It's one thing to keep track of your "symptoms" from 1-6dpo/dpIUI, but to publish them? 

This is why I cannot go to that crazy website twoweekwait.com. I'll admit that I love their hpt gallery and I have gone there quite often. But those are concrete things to look at. HPTs. Hard evidence. The rest of the site? For me, not one word is credible. Seriously - they devote an entire section to women listing out their "symptoms from 0-6dpo". Like I said, it's one thing to think of them yourself, it's another thing to publish them - and it's quite another thing for a website listing them out like they are possibilities. If ~I~ was the owner of the website, I wouldn't list a damn thing about 0-6dpo because, well, it's simply impossible for your body to know it if you were pregnant! 

One of my pet peeves I guess. Those women who say "oh, I knew I was pregnant at conception". Oh shut up. You did not. It is physiologically impossible for your body to "know" it's pregnant until implantation. A non-conceived egg and a conceived egg both have to float it's way through the fallopian tubes before it has a chance to implant. And a conceived egg, while maybe bigger by micrometers, isn't big enough for a tube to notice the difference. Until implantation, when your body goes "oh! there's an egg here, let's start making hCG" it's I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E. to know. 

On the same subject, has anyone ever heard of a coincidence? Just because someone says "my left nipple tingled for an hour at 3dpo" and they ended up pregnant, does not mean nipple tingling at 3dpo means jack shit. But I can't tell you the number of times I read crap like this! It's usually from a newly pregnant girl listing out her symptoms and the things "worked to get me pregnant!". No hunny, I'm sorry, but the fact you hung yourself from the ceiling during sex is not what got you pregnant. The luck of timing got you pregnant. It wasn't because you drank a glass of tea before you had sex. It wasn't because you had a bath before sex. It wasn't because you propped your hips up. It wasn't because you relaxed. Those things are not ways to get pregnant every time. If they were, everyone in the world would try those "tricks" and there would be no such thing as "unexplained infertility". If the woman had accessible eggs and the man had good sperm, every single person in the world would get pregnant by just doing what you think got you pregnant.

Again, I couldn't have said it better myself. Although, I do love hearing the stories of how people struggled and eventually their prayers were answered. It gives me that little bit of hope to get me through another day. I do also love hearing what worked for someone else, just because it may be something I have never heard of and who knows, it may also work for me.

Nancy, the blogger quoted above, goes on to state that at 7dpiui she begins to pay attention to the twinges, cramping, sore breasts and bloating a bit more. For me, I won't consider any feeling I have a true symptom until at least 10 to 12dpiui. That's typically when all progesterone symptoms seize (for me) and Flo is on her way. If the "progesterone" symptoms continue past Thursday or Friday, I may allow myself to start getting a little bit excited. Not until then though! ;)

7 days down, 7 to go before I know if my negative intuition was once again accurate or if this is our turn for a surprise blessing.

Have a great weekend!!
G xo

Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, Pessimistic Patty......

... or you can just call me Genny.

Round 2: Cozart ended up not working on Thursday so he was home to give me the Ovidrel shot. Thank goodness. Much like the first IUI, I had no side effects from the hormone. Thank goodness again. And there was no retrieving the shot from a bush outside my doctor's office. It was ready and waiting for me all cold and safe in my fridge. THANK GOODNESS! Cozart went in at 7am on Saturday to make his deposit and we both returned at 10am for the insemination. Cozart's numbers weren't quite as impressive as the last time but still very good and well above what they want to see. The insemination was performed by one of the other docs, as Dr. D was not scheduled to be in this past weekend. He seemed nice from what I could gather in the 15 minutes we spent together. His nurse, on the other hand, seemed as if there were about a million different places she would rather be. Understandable when working on a holiday weekend, I guess. The procedure was, once again, quick and painless. When the doctor was finished I was again, left to lie on the table for about 30 minutes allowing for a smooth, direct journey for the little spermies. Before leaving the office we met with Dr. D's nurse to answer any questions, discuss next steps, be sure I had my progesterone suppositories, etc... We left the office and went about our Saturday like we normally would.

We are now 3dpiui and I think the title of this post is a pretty good indication of how I am feeling. I am trying very hard to remain hopeful and positive but am failing miserably. I am a firm believer in the "whatever you believe, you will receive" mentality and from what I believe to be true right now, I anticipate Flo's arrival sometime in the next 7-10 days. I know I should be speaking positively and "by putting negativity out into the universe, I will only get negativity in return" but, I am also not going lie to you about how I am truly feeling. I'm not going to blow sunshine where it doesn't and pretend to be uber confident in this round of treatment when, quite frankly, I'm anything but.

As I mentioned, I have really been trying to be more positive about this round (although it may not sound like it) and I am still giving this one to God 100%. Don't confuse my thoughts/feelings on the outcome of this round with worry, I have the least amount of anxiety I have had in 3 years when it comes to this process. I credit that to finally being able to give this one to Him. With that being said, I am a realist. I have searched for anything and everything that point the odds in our favor, unfortunately I just can't find much. Allow me to explain where I am coming from...

As I stated in my last post I only had one dominant follicle. I also stated you really only need one, so I wasn't going to consider it an issue. After consulting Dr. Internet (I know I know but I just can't help myself and it isn't all misinformation or just opinion, he often brings me much needed comfort), I ran across several women stating their doctors forego any month that they have less than 2 dominant follicles. Their doctors have told them the chances are just too slim and it would be a waste. Now, this is not the first time I have heard this, which is why I had Dr. D's nurse ask him, when the last round didn't take, if we should try a medicated cycle. His response, was no. He felt my body was responding just fine naturally. I accepted that but still didn't feel all that great about it. I would understand had I had 2 or 3 dominant follicles but just one? Why not just give it a try? A little kick start if you will? But, again, he is the doctor and I the patient, he knows best. Right???

In the brief meeting following the insemination, one of the questions Cozart asked (and I am so glad he did) was: "If this round doesn't work, what will we try different next time?". Her response was: "We typically don't change anything until you have done 3 or 4 rounds.". Whoa whoa whoa... wait a minute. That would imply we were here to do an infinite amount of treatments. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have budgeted for 3, maybe (if unmedicated) 4 IUI treatments. That's it, after that, we go back to trying on our own and saving for whatever option we can save enough money for before we're just too old to even consider having kids. (that may sound extreme, but it's true and the reality we live with every day.) I continued on, asking her about possibly trying a medicated cycle. (a medicated cycle means you are injecting a drug that stimulates follicle growth. Yielding 3, 5, 7 follicles vs 1. It also takes the cost of each treatment from approx $600 to $1000 or more.) She stated the reason Dr. D would be against a medicated cycle is due to the risk of having multiples. Cozart, nicely, asked her if we could be the ones to assess that risk. Unless I had some life threatening, pre-existing condition that could potentially kill me if I had more than one baby, we feel 2 is much better than none at all. We quite possibly could be eating our words should twins be in our future but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. She was very sweet and said she would make a note in our chart but hopes we don't even get to that point. We hope so too. In short, I can't help but feel we could have improved our chances (for this round) had we just had a a conversation with Dr. D about whether or not having multiples is a concern for us. I guess, at least now he will know for next time.

My 2nd reason for being down on this round is timing. After 3 years of "trying" to get pregnant, charting every twinge, ache, pain, pinch, pull, temperature fluctuation, mucous consistency, cervix positioning (that was short lived. I will never figure it out. Not to mention it's gross.), peeing on sticks to track ovulation, I have gotten pretty in tune with my body. Although, I can't tell you the exact moment I ovulate, like some say they can, I think I can identify it within a 12-24 hour window. Not bad, huh? Yeah, you'd think I'd be pregnant by now, wouldn't you? Me too. Insemination, was not within that 12-24 hour window. In fact, after looking back through my charts (35 months worth), I have only ovulated (according to my non-medical professional calculations) past Cycle Day 14 or 15, twice. Insemination was Cycle Day 17. I also start feeling progesterone symptoms approximately 3-6dpo, which is normal. This month they started the day after IUI, before I started the progesterone supplements. All signs point to being a day (or 3) late and dollar (or 600) short. I know I should trust the medical professionals and all their fancy testing and it's true, my charting and relying on my "feelings" hasn't gotten me pregnant thus far but I can't shake what I believe intuition is telling me.

With all that said, I refuse to end this post as the Polly Pissy Pants I started it as. The truth is God performs miracles every single day. I may not be confident about this round but I believe in a God that does great things. Things that I could never dream of explaining and go against all realms of possibility. Our God is an awesome God and for that I am eternally blessed and thankful whether be it with or without child. His will be done, in His time, not ours.

G'night...

It's all up to the Man upstairs...

Good News! As presumed, I am ovulating on my left side this time around. Yay!! There is only one dominant follicle measuring just over 18mm. Although, I would have liked to have seen more than one, one is really all you need. My E2 level was still a little on the low side so they have suggested we wait until Thursday evening for the trigger shot and Saturday for the insemination, in hopes that my estrogen will continue to increase over the next 4 days.

I am really trying to do my best to give this one to God 100%. No worries, no anxiety, whatever happens happens according to the plan He had already set for me long before I was even a glimmer in my Mama's eye. Whatever will be, will be.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day, is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

D Day...

By 5:00 yesterday, I had decided to write this month off due to lack of communication from the doctor's office. I guess, there was a slight chance I may still hear from them today but would it be too late? And it's a holiday; I wasn't able to find the drug/hormone (Ovidrel) at any pharmacy I called and even if one did have it, they would be closed today so there would be no chance of getting it. I was pretty upset and concerned that next month would be a right-ovary-ovulation-month because this month was a left. That would then mean we would have to wait another 2 months. Again, what is another 2 or 3 months when you've waited almost 3 years? Either way, I was pretty disappointed.

I hung up the phone with my sister, around 5:15, choked back tears and decided to get ready to go to watch fireworks at a friends' house. I might as well make the best of this disappointing day and enjoy the holiday. No sooner did I finish my personal pep-talk, my work phone rang. It was Dr. D's nurse, Kathy, calling to tell me to give myself the trigger shot tonight. Although, I was so happy to hear from her, I was still not pleased that the call didn't come until the 11th hour. (literally, I would have to administer the shot within the next hour) I explained to her that I didn't have the shot, I had no luck finding a pharmacy that had it in stock and I didn't have a script for it even if I was able to find it. After some back and forth discussion of ways to remedy the situation I was put on hold. Kathy came back to phone to let me know they had found one in their office and she would leave it in a tree, near the employee entrance of their Orlando office, for me to pick up. Umm... YAY??? I think?? We then scheduled Cozart's "deposit" for 8am, Thursday morning. The sperm washing will take approximately 3 hours (I thought it was 8, apparently I was wrong) and I am scheduled for insemination at 11:30am.

After driving to Orlando and retrieving my hormone injection from a tree. I met Cozart at the facility he was dropping a patient off at so he could give me the injection.

I am completely over the moon with the fact that this is finally happening, but I can't help but think that there is a pretty good chance this may just be a practice round for us. I'm not being negative, just trying to have realistic expectations. On the flip side, if this does work, we will have one heck of a story to tell our future child.

Last but not least, I ask for your prayers: 1. that the insemination works, 2. that I am able to sustain the pregnancy if it does work and 3. if it doesn't work, we ask for prayers for continued patience and faith in God and his plan for us.

Thank you so much for continuing to read and all your prayers and support.

Until tomorrow...