BE. AGGRESSIVE. B-E-A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E BE. AGGRESSIVE. GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE.

In case you were wondering, yes I was a cheerleader. So very many years ago. :)

I'm, once again, falling behind on my blog updates. I'm sorry for any of you who may have been waiting on the edge of your seat for my next ever-so-riveting post. (I hope you can sense my sarcasm.) ;)

I had my follow up visit with Dr. D last Friday. This visit was initiated by myself in hopes I would better understand his conservative approach to our treatments and maybe persuade him to be a bit more aggressive. Unfortunately, Cozart wasn't able to be there. Inevitably there were things I didn't mention that he wished I would have and questions he also wished I would have asked.

Dr. D began our discussion by once again going over my test results and offered some empathy when it came to my frustrations. He made a good point in reminding me that when we look all the way back to our first visit, he seems like such a long time ago but in reality I have only gone through 2 treatments. Most people don't have to skip months like we do, the process for us just feels twice as long because we do have to skip months that I am ovulating on my right side and, well, it IS taking twice as long. He then offered the option of doing what they call a Modified Natural Cycle or Mini-IVF when I am ovulating on the right side. The abbreviated explanation to this procedure is basically IVF without all the drugs. They only retrieve one or two eggs and only transfer one. It is cheaper than a normal IVF treatment but still a pretty hefty chunk of change with only a 15% chance of take home baby. (IUI has between a 10-12% chance of take home baby and my doctor has a 52% chance of take home baby with regular IVF, just to give you a comparison.) For the amount of money you have to pay with those odds, it just doesn't really seem worth it. I told him I appreciated the suggestion but I have actually welcomed the months off. It gives my nerves and my mind a little break.

After discussing the Mini-IVF option we moved on to what we would be doing differently with our next IUI cycle. He agreed it was time to be a bit more aggressive (huge sigh of relief) and agreed Follistim (the drug my cousin's wife sent me) would be the way to go. YAY! YAY! YAY! He gave me instructions to call his office the first day of my cycle, which should be any day now, to schedule an ultrasound for that day as well as one for cycle day 11. The first ultrasound will again be to check for cysts. If it is clear I will again, take clomid on cycle days 3-7 but this time add a follistim injection on days 6, 8 and 10. If the cycle day 11 ultrasound shows I am ovulating on the left side and I don't have too many follicles, I will be given instructions to administer the Ovidrel shot and schedule insemination (and Cozart's deposit) for 36 hours following the shot. The reason we would have to forego this cycle if there are too many follicles is due to the increased chance in multiples. I did explain that twins would be a blessing in our opinion. He explained that it's not so much twins he worries about, it's triplets, quadruplets, quints, etc... This is where Cozart and I don't exactly see eye to eye. He still would consider triplets or even quadruplets a blessing, I think it would be too risky for me and the babies. Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed with having that many babies at once, I would also be terrified. Not only because of the health risks but also the obvious reasons like cost!!! Ummm... HELLO!!!!

So now we wait. Wait for Flo's arrival. It seems she always shows when you least want her to and never arrives in a timely fashion when you need her to. Who does she think she is anyway??

Oh! I almost forgot, we have to attend an IVF seminar this evening. Woo Hoo! The reason we have to attend is not because we are venturing down the very expensive road to IVF but because the injection I will be giving myself is also used for IVF patients. They have to inform you, as a patient, of the risks of the drug prior to using it. Apparently, taking 10 minutes to run through these risks in the doctor's office wouldn't be sufficient. Instead we get to sit through I nice, long, informative seminar on a procedure we will likely never be able to afford to hear about one little drug and the very slight chance it may cause hyper-ovarian stimulation or something of the sort. Can you sense my excitement?? My overly analytical and extremely skeptical mind goes places I wish it wouldn't like, perhaps Dr. D is thinking IUI will never work for us and is getting us to come to the seminar as some type of slimey sales tactic. Kind of like those multi-level marketing scams. 'We'll convince them they have to come for some ridiculous reason and bait them into thinking this is the only way they will ever have a child of their own.' [insert evil laugh] For all intent and purpose I am going to do my best to suppress those thoughts and try my best to be positive. :) Operation Baby Lawrence, full steam ahead!!

Until next time... Happy Hump Day!!!

Fabulous Fall...

It may still be almost 90° here in Central Florida, but I can smell fall in the air. My favorite time of year. Cooler weather, football, being able to open the windows, apple pie and pumpkin everything! Our dogs even get more frisky. It's clearly their most favorite time of year too.

I am a little behind on my updates and for that, I apologize. Although, there hasn't been a great deal to report. I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work on Saturday. As anticipated, this is a right ovary month, so we sit this one out. One of the other doctor's nurses did my ultrasound. She had skimmed over my chart prior to me entering the exam room and I found it quite interesting that the first question out of her mouth was 'why is it that you are only taking 1/2 a tablet of clomid? I've never heard of anyone taking that small of a dose.'. I think she could sense my frustration, because after I told her I wasn't exactly sure but I feel Dr. D is a bit more conservative with his treatment than other doctors, she said "that can be extremely frustrating from a patient perspective." (um... heck yeah it is!!) She then suggested I schedule a follow up before I left the office, which was my plan and is what I did. My follow-up appointment is set for October 5th. That should be right before my next cycle starts so I am very happy with that day and I am hopeful I will feel a restored confidence in this entire process.

Aside from the ultrasound identifying this as a right ovary month, it also indicated that, as anticipated, the clomid did nothing. I had one follicle on the right measuring 14mm and one on the left that wasn't even worth measuring. Nothing more, not even a bunch of little guys. The ever-so-understanding nurse told me she would note in my chart that we had a conversation about the clomid and the low dosage and that I am 100% on board with upping the dosage or using an alternative follicular stimulator. Yes PLEASE, and thank you!

In case you're unable to sense it through my writing, I am feeling pretty beat up and emotionally drained about this entire process. My mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't; like, what if this NEVER happens. What if I never experience what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me? What if we never have a little boy to watch play pop-warner football on Saturday mornings, or a little girl to pass my first pair of ballet slippers on to? What did I/we do to deserve this? Who will take care of us when we're old? As each month passes, I can't help but do the math: I will be 36 when the baby is born (should any of this actually work anytime in the next few months) which would make me 54 when he/she graduates high school, 58 when he/she graduates college (provided they finish in 4 years) and if they decide to wait as long as we did or have a similar experience, I could be 80 before I have grandchildren. By that time, they probably won't want kids because they'll be taking care of us! I know there is nothing I can do about any of this and I shouldn't waste my thoughts on this nonsense but if I am committed to being completely honest and open, this is it and it's not pretty. In fact, it sucks and it doesn't make any sense and it scares the heck out of me. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, 
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- 
You may succeed with another blow. 

Often the goal is nearer than,
 It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown. 

 Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 - Author unknown