And now we wait...

What a week it has been!!! Yesterday went well, or at least I think it did. Cozart went into the doctor's office at 8am to "make his deposit" which resulted in more super-human-like numbers than the last 2 analyses. Just to give you an idea of what I am talking about; normal sperm count is 40 million, they want to see anything over 20 million. Cozart's count was 698 MILLION pre-wash and 221 million post-wash. Dr. D suggested we frame his results and hang them up somewhere. I would not be surprised if Cozart just so happened to swing by a Michael's today to do just that. Although the count is fantastic and much better than we could have hoped for, there still needs to be at least 1 swimmer that can figure out where it needs to go. Luckily, Cozart has no problem asking for directions, hopefully his swimmers share the same mentality.

The procedure itself was very quick and virtually painless. Some cramping but nothing intolerable. Many of you have asked how I am feeling today or if I am on bedrest and the answer is, no, not at all. IUI, unlike IVF, is extremely natural. I wasn't sedated, the only drug I took was a natural hormone and the procedure was minimally (if at all) invasive. Other than having to be at the doctor at 11:30, yesterday was just like any other day. I even went to yoga last night. It's actually a little weird how normal I do feel. It has felt like such a huge deal, leading up to this day, you would think I would feel different, but I don't.

As far as my feelings about whether it will work this time around; I'm leaning more towards the negative than the positive. Only because I felt so unprepared and unaware of what to expect. Like I said in my last post, this feels like a practice round. I went into the ultrasound on Tuesday thinking I would have to come back Wednesday to do it all over again and possibly Thursday too. It all happened so quickly and, although everything worked out, I can't help but think we missed something along the way. But I can't dwell on what I wish I would have known, and didn't or what I wish we would have done, and didnt. If it works HALLELUJAH, if it doesn't, we will just be better prepared for the next time!

Another question I have been posed with a number of times is; who will we tell if it does work? That's kind of a tough one to answer and something Cozart and I have to discuss further. I mean, I have kind of sucked you all in and how would I not tell you now that you've been given a play-by-play of this experience? But, at the same time, even just leading up to yesterday, I was asked questions like; where will you deliver? Do you want a boy or a girl? Do you have names picked out? And have been given parenting/pregnancy advice. Of course, I appreciate every one's excitement and I know that it comes from a good place but I am an EXTREMELY superstitious person. Talking to me like I am already pregnant, freaks me out! I can't help but think I jynxed it all!!! So with that being said, I would love to have a moment where we all jump up and down with excitement and start buying baby clothes but until I know we are in the clear, I may not feel like posting it on Facebook or putting it on a billboard on the side of I-4 for the world to see. BUT.... (there are so many BUTS) if it doesn't work, obviously I will be walking you all through this process again. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and should just say, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... in 14 (very long) days.

My next appointment is on Friday to have more blood drawn to test my progesterone level. Until then, I will do my best to stay busy and try not to think about it too much (YEAH RIGHT!!!).

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

          -Author Unknown

D Day...

By 5:00 yesterday, I had decided to write this month off due to lack of communication from the doctor's office. I guess, there was a slight chance I may still hear from them today but would it be too late? And it's a holiday; I wasn't able to find the drug/hormone (Ovidrel) at any pharmacy I called and even if one did have it, they would be closed today so there would be no chance of getting it. I was pretty upset and concerned that next month would be a right-ovary-ovulation-month because this month was a left. That would then mean we would have to wait another 2 months. Again, what is another 2 or 3 months when you've waited almost 3 years? Either way, I was pretty disappointed.

I hung up the phone with my sister, around 5:15, choked back tears and decided to get ready to go to watch fireworks at a friends' house. I might as well make the best of this disappointing day and enjoy the holiday. No sooner did I finish my personal pep-talk, my work phone rang. It was Dr. D's nurse, Kathy, calling to tell me to give myself the trigger shot tonight. Although, I was so happy to hear from her, I was still not pleased that the call didn't come until the 11th hour. (literally, I would have to administer the shot within the next hour) I explained to her that I didn't have the shot, I had no luck finding a pharmacy that had it in stock and I didn't have a script for it even if I was able to find it. After some back and forth discussion of ways to remedy the situation I was put on hold. Kathy came back to phone to let me know they had found one in their office and she would leave it in a tree, near the employee entrance of their Orlando office, for me to pick up. Umm... YAY??? I think?? We then scheduled Cozart's "deposit" for 8am, Thursday morning. The sperm washing will take approximately 3 hours (I thought it was 8, apparently I was wrong) and I am scheduled for insemination at 11:30am.

After driving to Orlando and retrieving my hormone injection from a tree. I met Cozart at the facility he was dropping a patient off at so he could give me the injection.

I am completely over the moon with the fact that this is finally happening, but I can't help but think that there is a pretty good chance this may just be a practice round for us. I'm not being negative, just trying to have realistic expectations. On the flip side, if this does work, we will have one heck of a story to tell our future child.

Last but not least, I ask for your prayers: 1. that the insemination works, 2. that I am able to sustain the pregnancy if it does work and 3. if it doesn't work, we ask for prayers for continued patience and faith in God and his plan for us.

Thank you so much for continuing to read and all your prayers and support.

Until tomorrow...

Another Year Older...

Tomorrow's forecast for Minnesota is lots of sun and 10° warmer than it will be here in Florida. My homesickness is cured! At least until September when the leaves start changing and my internal clock starts to tell me the weather should be getting cooler and it doesn't. Until then, I will enjoy the "cooler" Florida weather and be thankful I'm not at my parents' house or at my sister's in Michigan where neither have central air conditioning. ;)

 I celebrated the 6th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday on Saturday. I've never been one to feel the need to fib about my age or been embarrassed by it. After all, you truly are only as old as you feel, right? This year has been a little bit of a kick in the teeth though. In the world of baby making 35 is the magic age when a woman moves from normal, healthy, low risk, nothing-is-of-concern, still good (not as good as in your 20's but still good) chances of conceiving on your own to, high risk, chances of natural conception considerably drop, if you haven't been able to have a baby on your own and have yet to see an RE GO NOW... RUN... TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!! And now you're REALLY up against the clock. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating just a tad. There are plenty of people that have healthy pregnancies, birthing beautifully, healthy happy babies well into their 40's, I understand this completely. The feelings of panic and being up against a clock are, however, in no way an exaggeration of how I've been feeling these first few days of my 35th year.

Despite falling into the high-risk category by turning a year older; I did have a very nice birthday. Cozart always does a great job making my day very special and this year was no exception. We spent Saturday at the beach with friends. Thanks to Beth and Vince for allowing our rowdy bunch (floating watermelons and all) to hang out by the pool all day. Hot sun and drinking can make for a crazy group. Saturday evening I came home to flowers from both my Mom and my Aunt. And Sunday, Cozart made dinner for me and his family. All in all it was a great weekend but a birthday wouldn't be complete without a little time to reflect on where I am and where I thought I would be at age 35. In an effort to be more positive, let's just say, I am NOWHERE where I thought I would be; but where we are, is ALWAYS where we are SUPPOSED to be.

In baby-making news: I had my first ultrasound this morning to see which side I would be ovulating on this month, as well as blood drawn to test my estrogen level. Good News: They found a predominant follicle on the LEFT SIDE!!! The nurse who performed the ultrasound said that she would venture to guess I would be administering the trigger shot this evening but I would have to wait to hear from Dr. D's nurse when she calls this afternoon. I'm starting to get a bit nervous as the end of the business day is fast approaching and I have yet to hear from their office. The shot is not given until between 6pm and 8pm but... I haven't been able to find a pharmacy that has the hormone in stock and if it has to be ordered, it will not be in until Thursday due to tomorrow being a holiday. Grrrr.... It's always something!!!

I will keep you posted....

Homesick...

Another trip to Minnesota has come and gone with a blink of an eye. Shame on me for thinking a 10 day trip would feel any longer than my typical 4 or 5 day. There is just more things to do and people to see crammed into those extra days and it's over before you know it.

Before moving to Florida (9 years ago) if you would have asked me what Minnesota had to offer I would have said: "Snow & mosquitos but other than that, not much of anything.".  Today when asked what I miss about Minnesota, I could go on for days. From the moment the plane breaks through the clouds and  the flight attendants prepare for arrival ("cross check and all call"), I am able to tune out the screaming children arriving home from their Disney vacation because I am completely mesmerized by the beauty that is the great state of Minnesota. Whether it be the lush horticulture in it's vibrant green color in the summertime; or the snow capped Arts & Crafts style homes that you very seldom see in cookie cutter, stucco-home-filled-neighborhoods here in Florida. From cornfields to breathtaking skylines of, not one city but 2. It is beautiful.

Florida may be surrounded by water but the total miles of shore line of the 11,842 lakes Minnesota is home to; totals more than that of the shoreline of the states of Hawaii, California and Florida combined. (and yes I had to look that up) From boating in the summer to skiiing and snowmobiling in the winter, you are never without something to do.  Sure there is the possibility of having 10 feet of snow in your front yard but, what I wouldn't give for a snow day once or twice a year. And yes, they have a funny accent but I lived there for 20 years and I was able to avoid it. (unless of course Leanne is around to call me out when I say bag) Ugh! I could seriously go on forever... I never have a bad hair day there, my skin isn't oily, there is no tax on clothing, my Grandma (and her homemade jam) would only be a short car ride away, there is an outdoor baseball field right in the middle of downtown Minneapolis and I can't stand baseball but that still seems so much cooler than Tropicana Field. There are places like the Boundary Waters (www.canoecountry.com), Lake Superior (a mini ocean in my opinion), Grand Avenue, the Basilica of St. Mary (www.mary.org) and The St. Paul Cathedral (www.cathedralsaintpaul.org) both AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL. Ornate theaters, that don't even fall into the same category as the high school auditorium that is the Bob Carr. Art galleries and museums and cool places to host events like the Mill City Museum (www.millcitymuseum.org). There is a mall with a roller coaster AND AN AQUARIUM INSIDE PEOPLE!!! (it's really not all that cool but you can't talk about Minnesota attractions without mentioning the Mall of America) There are fun music festivals like the Basilica Block Party and Grand Ole Days (oh how I love Grand Ole Days). There are bars where every one knows your name like Billy's (sorry inside joke there). Lake Harriet, Lake Calhoun and Uptown and SO much more... but I'll stop there for now.

Minneapolis Skyline

St. Paul Skyline

Maybe it's age and the infinite amount of wisdom I have gained in my 35 years (haha) or maybe it's a change in values and priorities since I lived in Minnesota before. It could very well be a case of "don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" or maybe it's being married to a Florida native who has not an ounce of desire to live through a Minnesota winter and would never agree to moving there (12 months out of the year). I can't say that I blame him. Can you imagine transplanting an islander to an igloo??? It wouldn't be pretty. Perhaps the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat that I get every time I leave (much like when I was sent to camp or when my family dropped me off at college) is a combination of all of the above. What ever the cause, the diagnosis is none other than... homesickness. I've got it bad and will for at least another few days. It will, much like the common cold, run it's course. I won't treat it with Nyquil or cough drops. The only ailment I need is a few days of driving on our perfectly paved roads and a day at the beach. And maybe a phone call or 2 from my Mom complaining about the fact that the temperature there is higher than it is here. To which, I will respond with a comment about the humidity being FAR worse here. (for the record it annoys me too, when people say things like "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" but it's SO TRUE!) I'm also reminded of the reasons I moved here, when an unexpected guest emails me to say they'll be in Orlando on vacation or going to a conference and would like to get together. That is definitely a treat we wouldn't get if we swapped states. Although, after this post maybe a few of you will be adding Minnesota to your places to travel. :)

I guess you can take the girl out of Minnesota but, you can't take the Minnesota out of the girl. And for all you Floridians, don't worry, I will be sending everyone back home pictures of sunsets over the ocean the first week of October, all the while the Minnesotans will be digging their way out of their first snow fall. I may still be a little homesick but I know they'll come visit and leave their shovels and ice scrapers behind! :) 

Good things come to those who wait...

Have you ever seen the email, subject entitled: Why men shouldn't take phone messages? The email opens up to a picture of a note on a fridge that says: Someone from Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. HA! Funny right? Well sometimes I wonder if when we're praying we are actually leaving a message for God's answering service. Maybe my prayers are getting to him but not in the correct order, are being misinterpreted or God's secretary happens to be male? (just kidding boys) I have prayed for the last 30-something months that Aunt Flo please not visit yet she arrives, like clockwork, every 28 days. Then, the one month I pray that she comes on the 28th day and she shows up 2 days late. Such is life...

I will be leaving for Minnesota on June 8th and will be gone until the 17th. If Aunt Flo would have arrived when she was supposed to, we would have been able to start the monitoring (ultrasound) in preparation for insemination on Monday June 4th. The trigger shot (HCG/hormone) would then occur on the 6th or 7th and insemination would occur on the 7th or 8th. Due to her tardiness, we will now have to wait until July's cycle.

On the bright side, I am a little relieved we will be waiting. I know they say flying doesn't necessarily adversely affect an impending pregnancy but, I'd rather not take my chances. Not to mention, my trip to Minnesota isn't with the intention of getting some R&R, kicking my feet up with nothing to do but take in the beautiful Minnesota summer weather. I will be helping with and attending a graduation party for my youngest brother and the wedding of my 2nd youngest brother. I would rather spend the week following insemination in my normal routine, not worrying that my brothers' 2 very important, life impacting days go off without a hitch.

With that being said, perhaps God DID get my message and I'm, once again, misinterpreting his blessings. Hmmm...?




On a side note: I have added a FOLLOW BY EMAIL box to the bottom of this page (scroll all the way to the bottom). Some of you have commented on the web address not working or wanting notification when I have posted a new blog entry. Well now you can get just that. All you have to do is enter your email address and hit SUBMIT. It will take you to another page where you have to enter a few lines of information (nothing more than your name, a login and password). They will then send you a confirmation email with a link to click to confirm. (be sure to check your junk mail to ensure it didn't get dumped there instead of your inbox) Then you're done! You will then receive all new blog entries via email. If you don't want more email sent to your ever expanding inbox, you can also click on Join This Site box to the right of the page. This will enable you to post comments but I don't believe it sends notifications when I post updates.

Thanks for reading!!!

Have a great day...

It is with a heavy heart that I compose this post tonight. It is a very sad day in my little hometown of Owatonna, MN. They have lost a wonderful woman, the wife of a good friend, the mother of 2 beautiful girls, a dear friend to many and one of the strongest fighters I have ever been blessed to know. She battled the "big C" for what seems like decades and she was finally called home to be with God this afternoon.

In reading through he caring bridge journal, which she started back in 2009, there were many things that resonated with me. 1. Her strength and optimism. Even at her worst, you would never know just how bad it was by reading. She wrote about getting back to work and living life. Loving life and what her plans were. 2. She ended every post with her signature line BStrong (friends and family called her B). So fitting being B is/was one of the strongest people any one who knew her knew. And 3, every post she said "Have a great day/night/weekend/holiday etc". Something about reading that little line over and over really got me thinking.

Her journal is nothing like the one you are reading now. She was fighting the battle of her life, literally. Not knowing how much time she had left, not knowing what her next PET scan would reveal or if her numbers would be where they needed to be. And yet, she told us, the readers, who aren't battling a deadly disease, who aren't living lives within the hospital walls, who aren't wondering IF we're going to see our daughters go to prom or IF we'll make it to our 40th, 50th or 60th Birthdays. She took the time to tell us to "have a great day.". Yet, her days were probably worse than any one of us could possibly fathom. I can't help but think that little line is more than just a cordial way to close out a journal entry. She is telling us we need to have a GREAT LIFE! Because we're not battling a disease, we're not up against a clock, our days are number but nothing like hers were. It's time to have a great life now.

I am so guilty of telling myself "I'll be happy when...", as I am sure many of you can say the same. I'll be happy when I graduate from high school, when I graduate from college, when I find my dream job, when I find a nice boyfriend, when I get engaged, when I get married, when we have a child, when God answers my prayers. But why can't we just be happy now? I'm healthy, I have a job, I have great friends and family. I'm not fighting for my life, so I might as well start living it happily. It is such a sad day for anyone who had the pleasure of knowing B. But she is no longer suffering. She's living a great life in eternity. And for that we can be thankful, celebrate her life and doing as she had told us to do... B STRONG B HAPPY and...

Have a great night....

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

Moving Forward (sans the insanity)

Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I am pretty sure, if I had the chance to have a conversation about our baby making journey with Mr. Einstein he would personally escort us both to the funny farm himself. 30 months of doing the same thing while remaining hopeful the outcome will be different; we're definitely skating a fine line between having a strong faith in God and being completely nuts. My opinion is the first but then again, how many crazy people do you know who actually admit they're crazy? It is time we stop the baby making insanity!!!

As I had previously mentioned, I was scheduled for a 2nd HSG test the 2nd week of May. This is the test done by injecting dye into my uterus while taking a series of x-rays to determine whether or not there are any blockages in my fallopian tubes and/or any obstructions in my uterus. If you recall, the first RE (Dr. T) had performed this test and had determined my right fallopian tube was inflamed, folded or blocked by scar tissue from an unknown cause. The test was performed a 2nd time by Dr. D because the pictures provided by Dr. T were, for a lack of a better term, crap. The 2nd test showed the same result as the first. My left tube and uterus are completely clear and a-ok. The right, however, is still not allowing dye to travel through, therefore it has been determined it is blocked by scar tissue. Although, this isn't the best news possible, it is still not a major concern for Dr. D. He stated that even with one tube, we should be pregnant by now. He gave us the option to have the laparoscopic surgery although it would only confirm what the blockage truly is. There is no guarantee they could open the tube back up and there would also be a risk of developing more scar tissue because of the procedure. No thanks! Following the 2nd HSG test, we scheduled a follow-up visit/consultation to discuss what we do next. This appointment took place Friday.

Before every appointment we have been to throughout this journey, I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Nerves, anxiety, excitement, hope, fear, anticipation, this appointment was no different. Aside from the MTHFR gene mutation, every test result has come back just as it did before. Everything has been normal with no indication as to what is preventing us from getting pregnant. I felt it very hard to believe this doctor could have any different thoughts in regard to a treatment plan than the previous doctor. IVF would be the only answer and how in the world would we afford that? Would we just have to... I hate even typing it... give up? Would we just have to learn to live a life without children? Would we eternally be the Aunt and Uncle with all the animals? I know my thoughts and emotions seem severe and rather extreme especially seeing as we haven't even spoken to the doctor yet but I just want you to get an idea of just how much of a roller coaster ride this has been.

Our appointment, again, was in the early morning. We arrived at the office and were called back rather quickly. We waited for over an hour for the HSG test. I was afraid I had sung their praises too soon after our first visit but they did not disappoint this time. We sat in front of a computer where Dr. D went through the series of x-rays from the HSG test. He again, explained what he was seeing and pointed out the differences in the right tube and left. He discussed the option of laparoscopic surgery and how he doesn't even do the surgeries himself anymore. We determined it wouldn't be an avenue we would like to pursue. We then went over all my blood work and discussed how everything looked good. He brought up the MTHFR gene mutation and said I should just take 2 extra folic acid tablets per day with my pre-natal vitamins. He explained that he would be concerned if I had 2 mutations but seeing as I only have one, the additional folic acid would be sufficient for the problem. Dang it! I was really banking on this little anomaly in my, otherwise, perfect test results would be the answer to our problems. Who would have thought a doctor telling you you're basically normal would be such disappointing news? Back to the drawing board...

We then moved on to Cozart's results. I had already heard all of this over the phone, so I was fully prepared to listen to yet another person inflate my husband's ego by describing his sperm analysis findings as super hero like. I even stopped Dr. D before going through all the results forewarning him that Cozart's head needed to fit in my car to get home. He proceeded with, "Well, it's not all super.". YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! Finally something! Although, Cozart's count and the numbers that go along with it are great, there is one other thing they tested for which is call sperm agglutination. Sperm agglutination is a condition in which the sperm cells stick to one another. We didn't discuss what the cause of it may be but that it can interfere with the process of effectively reaching and fertilizing the egg. This coupled with an issue I have with lack of cervical mucous, (we mentioned this to the 1st doctor who dismissed the issue but we failed to mention to Dr. D) could very well be what is preventing us from getting pregnant on our own.

***Sorry if this is all a little TMI. Please refer to my first post forewarning about the discussion of bodily functions. Which may include but is not limited to bodily fluids.***

Could this really be it? The answer we've been praying for? Perhaps... but now, how in the heck to we get past this?

Well, according to Dr. D, IUI is our answer (or at least where we're starting). IUI, short for intrauterine insemination is when they take sperm and insert it directly into my uterus using a turkey baster like apparatus. It's not quite that easy though. Nothing else has been so why start now? It is, however, much easier and more natural than IVF (in vitro fertilization) . Not to mention, MUCH MUCH less expensive! PRAISE on all accounts!

We will not begin the IUI process until 10 days into my next cycle. I expect Aunt Flo's arrival on Saturday of this week, so 9 days from Saturday. I will have to go in for an ultrasound on day 10 to determine which side I will be ovulating on for that particular cycle. (Female Anatomy 101 Fun Fact #1: Most women only release an egg from one side or the other each month) If it is the right side, we will have to sit that cycle out because of the blocked fallopian tube. (Female Anatomy Fun Fact #2: Just because said women released an egg from her right side on one month does not necessarily mean it will be the left [or vice versa] the next.) If they see that I will be ovulating on my left side, I will be sent home with a drug called Ovidrel to be injected when instructed by the doctor. Ovidrel is the HCG hormone. It's basically just giving my egg a little push out of my ovary in an effort to guarantee ovulation. Cozart will have to provide a sample the next day. His sample will go through an 8 hour process called sperm washing. This just ensures that the healthy and strong swimmers are what they are injecting. After the washing is complete, I return for the insemination. Then we wait... and pray... and pray... and pray somemore!! I will go back in 2 weeks following insemination to have a blood test to determine if it worked. We will not be able to use an HPT as the hormone the HPT picks up is the hormone I will have been injected with. Even if it doesn't work, the HPT will still read positive.

So that's it! We may not have a baby yet and the chance of this working may not be 100% but I just can't help but feel so incredibly blessed. Blessed to finally have a doctor we feels so comfortable with. Blessed to feel like we're finally getting somewhere. But mostly, blessed to have such an amazing support system in each and every one of you. We have amazing friends and family and we just can't wait to have a little one to share all of you with!!! Our journey definitely isn't complete but at least my hope has been restored to sustain what's yet to come. That alone, is an answered prayer.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6