"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Well Hello There...

I can't believe it's been 2, almost 3 months since the last time I posted anything. I will have you know, it's definitely not that I haven't tried or wanted to. When I started this blog, I mentioned I had attempted to start it many many times before and was just never happy with what I had written or just didn't think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. That was until one day when I sat down and promised myself that no matter what I had written, like it or not, it would be posted. Well I have kind of done the same thing the last 2, almost 3 months. I sit down to write, get a few paragraphs in and think "Yuck who wants to read that?". So here I am, making yet another promise to myself that no matter what I write today, it will be published. I also happen to be in the home stretch of yet another 2 week wait; not that I feel any more confident or have any more reason to think the outcome will be any different than the previous, I don't even know how many, cycles (we're not too far out from 4 years so, you do the math). It's still just as difficult. I'm still counting down the days (hours, minutes, seconds) and over analyzing every twinge, cramp, emotion, etc... (none of which have been anything notable or any different then any other failed cycle) So what better way to pass the time, then to write. Whether I like the end result or not, it's giving me something to do... other than obsessing, although I will likely find some way to do both. :)

 [And just for the record, to all those who have said they "just stopped thinking about it" or "stopped trying" and they got pregnant. I'm calling bullsh*t! You're either a liar-liar pants on fire or you think what you're saying sounds cute. Well it doesn't.]

When I left you last we had just experienced yet another failed IUI. I was devastated, yet excited and hopeful to start looking toward the future with a new plan; which we had decided would be adoption. I was eager to start researching, talking to people who had been through the adoption journey before and start the process. I started researching, I have the numbers of people to speak with about their experiences and even made a list of the agencies we would like to speak with first. But that's pretty much where I stopped. I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything more. I haven't been able to pick up the phone and speak to anyone about it. Whether it just be a friend asking about how it's going or someone who is willing to give me their experience. I just don't want to think or speak about it for some reason. Fear perhaps? And somewhere in the marital handbook I missed where it said, should you have trouble conceiving a child and need to seek alternate options it will be the wife's responsibility to determine who, what, where, when and the most daunting of all, HOW. The entire process scares the heck out of me but I think it utterly terrifies Cozart. Either that or, and I still haven't figured it out, he just wants me to focus on something other than getting pregnant in hopes I'll just relax and will actually get pregnant. I can't say I blame him, we only hear from every single person we discuss our Plan B with, that they know someone who got pregnant while going through adoption or shortly after. It's a great thought but not the reason we would move forward with that option.

As you can see the adoption plan has kind of been suspended until I (and Cozart) can face our fears and decide, without a shadow of a doubt, that that option is what we really want. You're probably wondering what we would do if we decided adoption wasn't in fact something we would be prepared to move forward with? Well... my newest interest when it comes to this whole baby thing, is embryo adoption (more on that in my next post). Another IUI round is also a possibility, maybe mini-IVF? Maybe even having the hysteroscopic surgery in attempt to open the right tube or asking about additional testing, just to confirm that my eggs aren't in fact rotten. :( I guess my point is, we haven't given up, a little leery of what may be around the next corner but definitely not giving up!!

Happy Saturday to all. I hope you're enjoying the weather if you're in the south and I hope you're not too terribly snowed in if you're up north. (although, there was something I loved about being snowed in on a Saturday when I lived up north! So if you're anything like me... ENJOY!) xo


  1. I am sorry. Infertility really sucks. :( I am not sure what testing you've had done (I'm assuming AMH, which is the best test they have for egg quality), but there's not a whole lot more they can test for outside of that. We found that out after our first IVF when we figured out that there were bigger problems than just sperm morphology, and I wanted to know if it was my eggs or his sperm that were genetically deficient... they really couldn't tell us only that the sperm morphology can be an indicator of underlying genetic issues. Praying for peace and guidance as you make big decisions moving forward. xo

  2. Love you and continue to pray for you!