"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The results are in...

Well, it comes as no surprise to me that this round did not take. Even though I wasn't as confident about this go round as I could have been; it still doesn't make a negative result any easier to take.

I went in last Friday for blood work, as I had previously mentioned. They were testing my progesterone levels; looking for a result higher than 17.  Last month my P4 result was 10.7 (not great) and the month before it was 17. Neither month was I taking progesterone suppositories. Just so you know what these numbers all mean; the higher the number the greater the likelihood ovulation did in fact occur. A 10 is borderline, it probably did happen but it isn't what they would call a "strong ovulation". 17, without progesterone supplements of any kind is good and would be considered a "strong ovulation" and anything 20+ is great, or "very strong". They say progesterone isn't indicative of pregnancy but many women who have a P4 result of say 30 on 7dpiui (that's day past IUI) or 7dpo (days past ovulation) are udually pretty thrilled and have a good chance of staring at a + on an HPT 7 days in their future.  Progesterone number will continue to increase should you in fact be pregnant. My result on 8dpiui, while taking progesterone suppositories, was 17.5. I was less than thrilled. Yes, my number was above what they wanted to see but it also had been .5 below that without the help of the supplement. I wasn't overly confident before these results and any hope I did have was squashed to just about nothing after finding this out.

When the nurse called in my results she also informed me that I would not have to come in for blood work the following Friday (today) to determine if the IUI did in fact work. She said I should use an HPT (home pregnancy test, just a reminder for any of you who may have missed the post previously breaking down my acronyms) that evening (a week ago) to be sure the trigger shot was out of my system. If the test was positive, use another the following morning and so on until you get a negative. The test was negative that afternoon and again this morning (and yesterday morning). Boo!!

I have spoken to very few of you as I haven't really been in a very good place with this news as the icing on my bad-news-week cake. I am feeling better about it today than I was yesterday. Yesterday was just, well... BAD!  Just to give you an idea, I have copied and pasted my response to a dear friend's,  whom has experienced all of this herself, email telling me she was thinking of me: (please note: I feel 100% comfortable being completely forthright with her. I'm so lucky to have her.)

 The treatment didn't work. 221 million sperm and not one could find my egg. I am waiting to hear back from the doctor with how he would like to proceed next month. Mostly just needing to know if he would like to add any drugs to the next cycle. 

I'd like to say I'm being really upbeat and positive but today I'm neither of those things. Maybe tomorrow will be different but today I'm angry, frustrated, confused, and feel cheated. I haven't talked to anyone else because I know they'll say: "just think positive.", "you never know, you haven't gotten your period yet, there's still a chance." or "you can try again next month.". I may verbally assault whomever even breathes anything remotely close to that so, I'm glad YOU are the one emailing me and I am responding to you because you KNOW how I'm feeling. And you won't think I'm being a super negative pissy-pants with a piss poor attitude and tell me it could be worse, I could have lost a loved one this week too. Oh that's right, that happened 2 days ago. I clearly forgot to mention I'm also having a bout of poor me syndrome!

Ahhh... I feel better. Thank you for letting me vent!

I am better today than yesterday but still a tad bitter. I received a call from Dr. D's nurse and he doesn't want to deviate from the original plan of going au naturale. I will admit, I was a little disappointed seeing as I had only one mature follicle with an unmedicated cycle but I'll trust his judgement, even if a little unsure of it. That's why I pay him the big bucks, right?

Flo has yet to rear her ugly head. (effective immediately, we will cease from referring to the "red headed beast" as "Aunt" Flo. Cozart and I have far too many Aunt's whom we love dearly to share the title with something we have come to so greatly despise.) Flo (or "red headed beast"; which I really like but have 2 darling nephews with red hair so it just doesn't seem appropriate either), is held at bay while taking progesterone supplements, for most women. I have since stopped using them and should be expecting her to make an unwelcome appearance some time in the next 2-5 days. On the day of her arrival, we start the process all over again with me calling to schedule my cycle day 10 ultrasound and get a script for the ovidrel/trigger shot this time. I've had my fill of searching for syringes in trees. If the ultrasound shows I am ovulating on the left side again, it's game on. Trigger shot, Cozart's deposit, the spermies get a bath, I go in for my part and yet another excruciating 2ww (week wait). If it's the right side, we sit this month out.

More for me, than for all of you, and maybe a little hokey but I really feel like I need to end this post on a positive note. A lot has happened in my life over the last 2 weeks and it has been very easy to start questioning things like why would God take a life and the hope of a new life from me all within 72 hours of each other? Why does everything come so simple for others and not for me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? And so on and so forth... But the truth is, I have so many things to be grateful for, I am not being punished, there are so many others who have much more difficult roads ahead, these events are not the consequences of previous actions. My Grandfather is breathing easy, in a place I long to one day be. I know I was put on this earth to be a mother and I will be one day soon. I have a husband that is an amazing partner and my best friend. I have friends and family that love me and a job that will allow me to hop on a plane to be with family without asking any questions at all. I'm healthy, with a roof over my head and food on the table. (I feel like I'm writing a country song. Actually I would have to have all these things taken away and maybe I'd have a hit on my hands?) And I have my faith and because of that, I know I never have to face any of the bad (or good) alone. Amen to that!

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" - Roman 8:25 

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